Title-less Title

I prolly spoke too soon..or typed rather..it seemed I was included in Shitty Sunday's Spoiling Surprise. (ok wth?!) And to tink i cld be fooled into tinking shit wdnt happen to me for once. while crap was dumped on my frens i was havin it good. yeah rite...

Pain was intensifying and getting more frequent. told my mom i wanted to get a scan to know wat the prob actually was. there was a dark blue black which i tot meant internal bleeding. my mom was all yeah ok well get the recommendation letter and go for the scan. ok. cool. went to the doc. was a fren of me parents. spent all of 2 seconds "checking" me and the remaining 1 hr chatting abt trips and holidays. In between "hahaha yeah it's a nice place" and "oh the place is better now?" he prescibed me useless antibiotics and painkillers. i asked wads wrong he said some 'ch....itis' and tt its normal. he then tol my mom tt if it was an infection i wd be running a fever. Fuck him it duzn even need to be an infection. there cld be other things. how the hell wd he know wad it was wen he barely checked me. he aint superman. more like supershit. and my mom was bloody helpful in getting tt letter, or even talkin abt a scan. i hope i bleed from my mouth or nose (oh wait i have been bleeding from my nose for eons) so that she can SEE tt its not nothing. Stupid fuckers.

Went to get dinner. Sis was being a bitch cos she wanted to eat out but my cuz din wanna. cmon shes 9. somehow my sis had been really hatin my cuz cos she claims she annoys her. im like wtf. shes 9, staying in some relatively foreign house with foreign ppl. least we can do is make her feel welcome. apparently my sis disregarded the responsibility bestowed to her by my mom to teman my cuz. so i took over. it must suck for my cuz to feel so bloody alone in a weird place. shes quiet and all but i jus dun want her to feel all bored and lonely.

So dinner. all of us were starvin and mom bot pizza. i bot my cuz ice cream while waiting and sis was still being lil miss bitchy. then my moms russian fren (the one who meddles with my hair) called and said she was gonna come over w her husband. rejected mom's offer for dinner cos they ate already. so we get home, i went online and later went down. had the shock of my life wen my mom offered our dinner to em and told them that all of us ate already and werent hungry. WHERE THE BLOODY FUCK IS THE FUCKING LOGIC BEHIND THAT??? I was so fucking pissed. told my sis and cuz to just crash the dinner. Mom asked me to eat but i rejected and stormed back upstairs. yeah tad petulant but wtf. WTBLOODYF. in the end my anger kinda overcame my hunger. donno how tt was possible. the only good thing of the nite was my cuz (dinie) tellin me that my older bro wanted to get close to me, but din know how to. i was shocked. my bro and i kinda don talk, tho we are on good terms. we were damn close wen we were younger but grew apart gradually. i felt kinda glad but told my cuz i cldn just jump into a r'ship. its like wat im doing with my cousins now. building bridges. been tinkin abt it since then. cldn stop smiling. ive alwaes wanted to be able to talk to him abt stuff i cant talk abt with my younger sibs. guess hes made the first signal. i prolly shd respond, but i don know how. im not gd with ppl. cmon im a social retard, a total misfit. and my own bro. i din even know he was going back to kl today. bloody pathetic. how do i not know these things. in my own home too. am i just so concerned with my own bubble i fail to notice other ppl? wth

Nick seemed to be doing ok, in a disturbing way. Delirious, extremely happy. i donno if i shd jus let him be or wat. Hope he does fine next year in coll. Still donno what my parents want from me, and for me. I only have a week left. Chatted with JB after ages. Asked if i was really not comin back and i was tinkin wtf how does he know? who the hell spreads this. tol him not confirmed. we chatted a while more n he tol me to let him know asap.

wads the point of living if we're all gonna die anywaes. u do good u do evil u die. ur rich ur poor u die. its not like we'll make a difference. even if we did it'll prolly die too. i jus need some enlightenment on life after death. minds been inundated with morbid thots of late. i wont be on earth forever. wad happens once i die? ill float ard earth? ill be locked in a cage in hell? ill be living again in heaven? hope my grandma can tell me. miss her like crazy and i still cnt forgive myself. secondhand serenade's bloody emo songs aren't helping. i just donno wad to do with life. maybe i shd just go back for sem 2. since i donno wad to do with my life, might as well live it without meaning, and just go thru the motions till i die. no point fighting for wat i want.

Extreme D-Day

Sunday, 28 December 2008 is a day I'm prolly gonna rmb for a long time to come. It is one of those days whereby emotions take centrestage and nothing else matters. And strangely enough I wasn't involved. At least not the bad part. It was so bloody extreme. There I had, 3 frens who were being emotionally scarred and tortured, 2 for similar reasons. 2 were from college, the other from Spore. Nick and Elisha were nursing broken hearts, and for Nick I was kinda affected too cos Im really close to him. But the one that just got to me the most was Rachel, who was being condemned to a home that could easily give Hell a run for its money, by her parents, who, from what I can infer judging from her words, could kick Satan out and rule Hell themselves. Suddenly my home felt like Heaven. She was close to a complete breakdown and I felt so darn helpless other than being able to offer words of support. Glad they helped. I just wish her parents wd stop living in the dark ages and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. NOT like some slave that has to accede to all shitty requests administered to her. Hell she doesnt deserve that. It was as if the Love God decided that today shd be the day everything goes wrong. Though for once I wasn't involved I still felt upset. I really hope things look up for them three.

While Depression was on one end of 28/12/08, Delight was on the other. I added one of my cousin, Fatin's msn add after being sucked into a 5-way msn convo with my bro and cuzins, which i spoke very lil, as usual. some time later she started chatting with me and i thot it wd get weird but it din. on the contrary it was really awesome and we hit it off so easily, just like me and dee. i was thrilled and so was she. it was a much needed shot i needed after all the depression that had been swirling ard. but it was kinda weird cos while i was being elated with her i was also chatting with rach and nick. two completely different emotions. so now i have built a bridge with another cousin. 3 down, a gazillion more to go.

Din go for Joshua's party cos I thot it was cancelled but it wasnt and Rjv only infd me like at 5pm yst and i cldn go cos had to go for dinner with family. damn. was actually lokin 4wd to it. then again even if i cld go i donno if i cld tahan cos my side was throbbing so bloody badly. Went to my granny's grave, and everytime i go there i just turn introspective and keep tellin myself i cannot repeat the same mistakes i did. theres so much regret i hold and the worst feeling in the world is tt i cant turn back time to change anything. i was such an ass (i tink i still am) and i really need to learn to make things rite and treat ppl better. sigh. i guess i can do that as i start a new chapter in my life as new yr approaches. (i still believe its a brand new chapter and not part 2 of and old one, though the 'authors' of my book may have different plots. Damn em. Oh well in every story there are twists. How fun wd it be if i could execute my plan. My book wd be a sure best-seller.

Christmas dinners, fights and memories

12midnite. 25th December. Christmas. Parents in Indonesia. Me at home. Bored to death. Anu was home too with nothin to do so we both kept each other company. then she told me to save her from this guy who was conversing with her via comments on her status. so i did. and it led to that guy tellin her via a private msg "wdnt it be nice if shaheen stopped interrupting our convo" or something like tt. i was like bloody son of a shit asshole. firstly anu was the one who asked me to rescue her from HIM. and secondly he doesnt even know me. which brings me to a question ive always longed to know but never seem to find out- do i give ppl bad first impressions? fuck off la all u assholes working in tandem to make my life miserable.
while chatting with anu my internet acted up again and this time i left it alone. ended up having 3 windows with abt 15 tabs on each. bollocks. if tt wasnt bad enuf this stupid beetle flew in my ear and later bit me on my right hand. it hurt like shit and i was pissed but i cldn find it to end its miserable life.

Slept at 5 after chatting with my sister and alarmed at 10 cos i wasnt sure if i was gonna go to aaron's xmas lunch thingy. woke up at 10, felt damn tired so i slept again. after wat seemed like forever i woke up again, checked the clock and it was 1130. i was pleased. still got time. so slept i did. after eternity, i awoke for the 3rd time and holy son of a crap it was still 1130. i then rmb that the clock had been spoilt for weeks. i checked my phone and it was 230. fuck. bro told me rjv had called. so after a dash of calls to rjv and trevor we decided to meet at 630.

Ended up at aaron's at ard 7. been so long since i saw him and emilia. i felt so surprised and pleased wen his mom asked for a hug and claimed that we were like her own children. i was just so happy i donno y. i thot shed find me weird considering my crazy antics at her house at new year's (or was it last xmas). i think it was the same day where darius and i got into a fight over some trivial issue. cant rmb wat we fought abt. last xmas was also significant between me and noorie. that xmas at aaron's was fun. then there was the first time i went to his house in 2005 and me and rjv were causing such a ruckus outside tt his mom looked at us as if we were retarded. so considering all these it was so nice tt she felt tt way. certainly lifted my mood.

This xmas was even more fun. nothin spectacular and the company was more or less the same but somehow it was just better. food as alwaes was awesome and the eggnog was bloody heavenly. somehow made me yearn for vodka. lol. it was ard 9plus wen noorie said she was gonna arrive but somehow got on the wrong bus and eventually came ard 930ish i tink. she din know the way so all of us sans aaron and emilia went to fetch her and to take a smoke break. ended up slacking in the playgrd smoking while noorie and rach sang. the entire mood was fuckin awesome and i wished that moment cld just go on forever. it was then i started tinkin of anu and tol myself i shd fight for her. then i thot of nick. it wd be pretty stupid & mean to have so-called matched 2 ppl and then butt in and fight. i din wanna hurt and betray nick but i knew i wd also be miserable without her. oh well..... mood weirdly got a lil tense after. aaron got pissed tt we din call him out to smoke but it was one whole misunderstanding. was tad uncomfortable initially but after a while it got back to normal. pity the thing was short (donno if it was our fault for coming late). short it may be but still it was a blast. just like old times. times i can never live elsewhere, or with anyone else. sux. left at 1130 and came back at 1. on the way back talked w rjv abt wat i shd do. tol him i planned to get anu back and he was all for it, saying i shd. i want to so bad but i cant just kick nick away. damn. is it really worth it? i guess not. in the cab on the way home i decided to leave it and let it be......

parents were already home. wth. so fast. can't wait for joshua's gathering on sat.

A Poltergeist

Din sleep at all last nite. Guess Nocturnalitis is complete and has taken effect. tried sleepin at 330am. wasnt tired. disturbed my lil sis who was tryna sleep and ended up with a giant scratch on my left forearm. watched my bro play ps2 till abt 6. still wasnt tired. had popcorn chicken for b'fast. mom woke up and stared at me and my bro as if we were aliens. i mean i am la but don tink my bro is....

So anywae i thot Sean Wars Episode I & II were done and dusted but apparently there was Episode III: Revenge Of The Shit.or so i thot. I just coudnt bliv my good fortune wen he msn-ed me again last nite. i was psyching myself up for another cyberspace verbal battle wen he completely fooled me and apologized. yeah thats rite he actually apologized, asked me to forgive him (??? i thot i was in the wrong???) and said we shd have a fresh start. then i immediately knew anu had sth to do with this. i rmb her tellin me she din pick up his calls or sth. so i thot he was tryna get to anu by being nice to me. apparently not. he said anu tol him not to bother me and he "realised" his mistakes and wanted to end our very short bad blood. i was sceptical since i din know him but i was like ok and he was all see u in jan and i was like yeah. right. don tink he was sincere but who cares. im not gonna be an ass to him but im not gonna go all angelic on him.

Kept on tinkin abt the song 'Apologize' by Timbaland & OneRepublic and was singing it in my head and i tink it was my boredom + mental retardedness+ inability to sleep tt made these words spring to my mind and somehow i fit them into the song. i kept replaying the words and thot if they even made sense. ive never had this b4 where words jus enter my mind and form a song. but oh well they fit the tune of Apologize so...

A Poltergeist

I'm looking for some rope

Headed six feet underground

I'm tryna find my way

But there's darkness all around

Told myself I need you

Never thought you'd up & go, away

My faith in you is shaken

Nothin' left for me to do, but say

I'm haunted by a poltergeist

I'm haunted...

I'm haunted by a poltergiest

I'm haunted...

I'd taken all my shots, gave my all

Tried my best for you

I need you 'cos my heart has no beat

But it's nothin' new

I loved you more than I could know

Now I'm just hollow

Stumblin' thru' the darkness

No one else I can follow

My mind's all gone

I'm haunted by a poltergeist
I'm haunted...
I'm haunted by a poltergiest
I'm haunted...

Ive no idea what this means..who knows maybe its a sign..especially after yesterday's freaky results from the questions thingy..yeah its just for fun but some were so true i got a lil freaked at others...

ok i have no idea y im not tired. sth is really wrong with me. speaking of ive been feelin really intense pain where i had my op and i tink sth happened, like the internal stitch tore or sth. cos it just bites and it hurts and this sux.. i shd prolly go check but my parents are like alwaes bz working/going out/chilling with frens/going overseas... how embarrassing tt they have far more interesting lives than i do.. sigh... hope i dun have to for a re-op.. but seeing that blue black near my stitches really disturbs me.. sigh... i guess its my destiny to be a subservient recluse. oh well. its christmas. cant bliv 2008 is gonna end. so soon. seemed so recent that 2008 started and i was, well, doing diff things. 2009. ill be 21. officially an adult. oh crap.

Retarded Q & A Segment

So I've been asked to take this thingy..anywaes looks like fun so what the hell...

l. Put your iTunes/any other players on shuffle.
II. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
III. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
IV. Put This In your Blog


1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?

Bleed It Out- Linkin Park

Oh well better to get it out of yr system by bleeding...

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF ?

Remember The Name- Fort Minor

I guess thats good enuf lol...

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

Sk8er Boi-Avril Lavigne

Oh man I am fuckin screwed....

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

Love Song- Sara Bareilles

I do? Nah not been tinkin abt love at all..then again...

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

Good Life- Kanye West Feat. T-Pain

Hahaha wth so bloody true..oh crap does that mean number 3 is....

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

Wish We Were Older- Metro Station

No no no!!! I'm old enough...

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

Amnesia- Britney Spears

Yeah prolly true...soon I will...

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?

Murder- Ashlee Simpson

What??!!! Uh-oh.. oh well probably..

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

Heaven On Earth- Britney Spears

Yeah like all the time.. ok y do i have so many Britney songs...

10. WHAT IS 2+2?

Ms Hangover- Flo Rida

I have no idea what the fark this means...

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

2 Man Show- Timbaland Feat. Elton John

hahahaha....wth is this sposed to mean..and aint elton john gay or sth..fuck im definitely doomed...

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Breaking Free- Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens

Yes this is damn bloody true...

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE ?

Apologize- Timbaland Feat. OneRepublic

Yes my life is one whole sorry mess of apologies...

14. WHAT DO YOU WAN TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP ?

Through The Fire & Flames- DragonForce

Am I gonna be some sorta circus performer?

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE ?

Snow (Hey Oh)- Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Ive not even thot abt snow..the last time i did was...oh fuck!!!!

16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE AT YOUR WEDDING ?

False Pretense- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Damn rite cos ill NEVER get married...sorry whoever my "wife" is gonna be

17. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Cry- Rihanna

Thats right people u better be crying wen im dead

18. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

Five Minutes To Midnight- Boys Like Girls

hmmm 11.55pm...im online...yeah guess tts my hobby as of now..lame..

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR ?

Disturbia- Rihanna

Too late my mind's already in disturbia....

20. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET ?

St. Anger- Metallica

Thats not no secret..Thats like completely known...asshole..

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

Cat & Mouse- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Does this mean i hate em all? hmmm need to check myself...

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS ?

When You're Gone- Avril Lavigne

Wow how apt...

23. WHAT SONG WOULD YOU PLAY DURING YOUR FIRST TIME HAVING SEX?

Doing That Thing You Do- The Wonders

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Some accurate answers while others are just plain weird..oh well it was fun...

Spoilin' For A Fight

I did mention tt the next person who dumps crap on me is gonna get it big time. and the fortunate reciever cannot be more appropriate- the one and only jackasshole S.G. or M.P.G. whichever name he uses cant mask the lascivious fractious adolescent he is. He did say he was gonna come look for me to kill me and i told him he shd, so tt i can bestow upon him the great honour of having his dirty ass kicked.this is the first time ive engaged in the ever-petulant cyberwar but it cldn be helped. well maybe it cldve.

So after chatting w me on fb abt she-who-shall-not-be-named. i had no idea that the jackass called her up and acted frenly with her and all. just what kind of motherfucker does that? i bet even batman's Two-Face would have been proud. naturally, i had to tell Anu the shit he said, considering she's my fren and he aint. i may have betrayed him in the process but thing is he aint my fren, and someone i abhor, so i get the free-pass. (i tink). so anu confronted him and after tt he blasted me online. said i betrayed him and how could i "pick a chick who dumped u for yr best fren over yr own fren"? he had no idea how bloody inaccurate that phrase was, but i din bother correcting him. that dumass even thot my msn pm "fuck Vietnam's pussy players" (in reference to the AFF Suzuki Cup whereby Vietnam beat Singapore 1-0 where Vietnam's players fell too easily) was abt him. he's not even a Viet(i tink). how stupid could he be. his dick may be experienced (self-proclaimed) but his brain is still non-existent.

So this motherfucker continued berating me online and i was getting pissed. Too bad that his tongue and his brain dont cooperate and co-function (prolly due to the fact that his brain doesnt exist). He expects to shoot off shit abt ppl and get away scot-free? hell no. so after the dust had settled i started being tad introspective, and realised this is exactly y i shd never ever involve myself in another relationship again. so many fuckin problems and shit. tht bloody asshole had his own problems with anu and somehow managed to drag me into it. on paper it seemed tt i did wrong cos i kinda went behind his back and told anu wat he tol me but like earlier mentioned to me at least tts not wrong. u spit shit abt my fren tt person is gonna know. and wad made it easier was the fact tt he was a nobody in my life. anu is no more my gf and at the risk of sounding like a complete asshole myself i don tink im gonna immerse myself with this kinds of shit anymore.

Cant bliv the next day (last nite) tt shithead actually chatted me up on msn again, askin if i had fucked with other ppl. i was tinkin wtf is his prob. he hates me so y continue bothering himself with me? stay out of my life bloody gigolo. he shd get a proper life like the rest of humanity, whereby brains are actually existent and functioning, and more than just the sexual organ is used. but i guess he doesnt possess the rudimentary needs for human living and his deficiencies as a basic human being cost him a place on earth, hence the need to live in his own bubble.

Cant bliv i actually wasted a post on one person (he shd feel honoured...yeah right) and more imptly cant bliv i just vilified him via cyberspace. i have just committed an act i had always deemed immature. oh well theres a first for everything right.

Unexpected Expectancy

Woke up sweating like crazy. Thot I had a fuckin bad dream, like being haunted by some pontianak or chased by gays, but then realised it was bright, and then i rmbed i din have a dream. (duz it make sense?). then my dad came into my room and said there was a blackout. Great. Spent the next couple of hrs pacing ard my house. Mom infd tt thr were a couple of electricians reparing some cable outside and tt electricity was expected to return in the evening. Sigh. Had to leave home at 3 to meet me Spore buddies. While watching my sister polish her nails (yes im that bored and lame) the electricity came back(which was ard 130). went online and surprises of all holy surprises, Sean Gulati, this ass of a guy who was an annoying jackass while in college, started chatting with me on fb, asking me if i rmb who he was. i replied yes, forgetting to add unfortunately. we then started chatting abt random stuff and then i realised tt i may, just may, have pre-judged him. he seemed pretty decent and nice. then again it was only a random chat so it cant be a helpful and accurate gauge. tol him i had to go off and he said he wanted to chat more and i was like yeah cool. tt was pretty weird and random.

Left home at 3 plus and it was the first time venturing into the new JB Chkpt. It was huge and its interior matched KLIA's but it was complicating and annoying and tiring and did nothing to stem the jams and slow traffic. So much for an upgrade. What the old chkpt lacked in physical attributes it more than made up in simple efficiency. Sposed to meet the rest at Orchard at 5 but as usual Rjv and Rach were late. It accumulated to 2 hrs. 2 hrs!!! Yes it may have been annoying but I ignored it and just basked in the fact tt i cld meet my close frens again. Hey no one's perfect. Old me wd've blasted them and displayed all the attitude i cld sum up but remembering the consequences of that action the last time i did it, i stopped short. Chatted so much and then i asked for advice on a simple question: Better to lay off relationships completely or just have flings? The cause of this question? The whole debacle with she-who-shall-not-be-named which was mentally taxing. It may have been for only a while but it was so tiring tt ive kinda sworn off relationships. So i asked them tt qn. Trevor din even know wad flings were, Rjv said to not give up on her and Rach completely avoided the qn and talked abt me. It was then i realised sth. I may have frens there in KL but none can match with those i have here for one simple reason-age. my frens here are older than i am and can offer me the support or advice i may need at times, and tts where their age and experience comes in. while me frens in kl are well, frens, they are 17/18 and with no intended disrespect just arent the same. Not tt im complaining but sometimes i do need a lil guidance too. Seeing my faith in the divine have been undulating.....

Dinner was fun where the most unexpected topics were strewn across the table and everyone kept looking at us weird, prolly cos of all the ruckus we made. I don tink we'll ever be allowed into tt place ever again. Especially after this....

This used to be the chocolate fondue bowl and after we finished it rach decided to add tissues, sugar, the reciept and i forgot wad else. We are completely psycho...

Trooped ard Orchard where it was fuckin packed specially with xmas comin up. Thr were so many choirs and all of em sucked. specially the lil kids. i really felt like murdering em but rach stopped me. it was nearly midnite and my mom started smsing me askin wen i was comin back. rjv and rach suggested jus crashing his place. tt was always fun and like old times but it was hard. so i planned carefully with my younger bro who was stayin in Woodlands and jedi mind tricked my mom, saying i wd sleepover at my bro's. she was reluctant but my dad said it was fine. my DAD said it was fine! WTH!! Awesome.who knew the force was with me. ok lame. Crashed his place and played with pepper, the most adorable dog in the world.

Ok here u cant see his cute face...nvm..After watchin movies and stuff the rest were tired and slept ard 430. i tried to sleep but i wasnt tired. tossed and turned, listened to music, browsed thru photos, mingled with my thots and before i knew it it was 7. wtf. i got up, watched pepper laze ard till the others woke up. left at 10 and the damn stupid chkpt is just damn inefficient. wads the point of having a hundred booths if theres only 2 lanes for cars and buses and all. dumasses. reached home at 12 plus sweating like a pig. found out ac/dc's album finished dling. cool. 14 days to Sem 2(for now, seeing talks with parents have yet to start)

Bleeding Blood

With approximately 16 days to semsester 2, it seems these holidays have been shitty not just for me but everyone i had contacted, with boredom being king of the hols. cant any of us have a decent holiday? apparently not. oh well theres only 16 days b4 school starts again and tt may be a gd thing, it may not. for me, i don feel like going back for sem 2. prolly tell me parents wat i want and see wat they say. my dad will prolly kill me for wasting so much money and time for sem 1 only to quit after but maybe if i can drill the thought tt its not wat i want into his brains he may just acquiesce. hopefully. i have never been decisive and now maybe its the holidays tts screwing up my mind and making me tink irrationally and illogically but i jus don see myself studying in sunway next yr. if only i know wad i wanna do. but i dont. damn this hols have really screwed me up. listening to weird songs like metal, rock and chinese songs, watching chinese shows, being a full fledged nocturnal animal, one on the brink of a complete mental breakdown. not tt im gonna rehash britney's stint few yrs back, tho i may follow her hair shaving antics.

with the net now back, it has prevented an all out obliteration of my sanity. despite the net being extremely slow and unstable, im jus satisfied tt its back. how ive missed it. but i wdnt mind it being faster la. suddenly things are looking bit brighter, tho my eyesight is deteriorating. home is tad more peaceful. met up with dinie (cuz) last nite after midnite. surprised parents allowed me out. spent couple hrs jus chatting. felt pretty good. at least im one step into rebuilding my relationships with my cousins. im prolly the most deficient person on earth (hence my belief tt im an alien) and my family's the most dysfunctional one out there. so past couple of days have been pretty good, tho i still cant stop tinkin abt she-who-cannot-be-named-(actually-she-can-but-im-trying-to-give-her-a-dramatic-effect-which-i-realised-now-looks-just-plain-retarded). keep tinkin abt how weird its gonna be next sem. (another reason not to go back. seems like all the cons of going back outweighs the pros). other than tt everything else seem ok. i swear to God the next person who dumps crap on me Im gonna shove chopsticks into his/her nose, stab his/her eyes with forks, smack his/her face with a frying pan, plunge a pair of rusty scissors into his/her ass and kick him/her in his balls/her punani(however u spell it). if all these don make me feel better so help me God ill just murder him/her with my bare hands. there's enough crap with me to last 2 lifetimes. im definitely retarded. damn theres no mental hospital ard my area.

An Jing

So still without the net, phone and on the verge of complete bankruptcy, home had turned into a hell hole/mental asylum. there was only so much tv and ps2 can do. on sat night (2 sats ago i tink) my bro invited me to a dinner with all the cousins in spore. i wanted to go cos i was fucked at home but i din wanna go cos id feel awkward. i know my cousins but i don have the fundamental relationship with em. it was prolly due to us moving away from spore back in 1994 tt made me alienated from all my cousins on my moms side. somehow my bro, who as far as i can rmb also did not fraternize much with our cousins, had been hanging out with em and all...prolly reconnected via fb or sth. so i was stunned tt my bro kinda like rebuilt his r'ships with em. he used to be a complete reclusive hermit. unlike my eldest bro who is completely sociable. as for me i was, well, in between. neither sociable nor unfrenly. just middle. guess it sux bein the middle child. anywaes, over the yrs my 2nd bro seemed to have changed and took over my eldest bro's traits and i inhabited the shell vacated by him. i used to tink tt back in kl wenever i felt like some social outcast it was bcos chinese seemed to be the national language. but after the dinner with my cuzins i tink its just me. im officially a social retard. the whole dinner was so damn freakin awkward for me cos i jus sat thr listening to ppl speak. my bro got along w em all pretty fine and i was lookin like an idiot. couldn be happier wen we left.

so from that horrendous saturday till now, not much has happened. other than my mom suddenly turning me into a puppet and hell bent on pulling the strings- controlling wat i do with my hair as if its hers, controlling wat and wen i can eat, even my clothes. and somehow im grounded. i have no idea y. and shes not one to openly speak to me abt stuff. its like a tacit understanding tt i just have to accept all the shit my parents dish out. great. i swear im adopted. contemplated marking my arms with a pair of scissors one night but they looked tad dirty so i din.

met noorie last fri. she was shocked/surprised/elated and just cldn bliv i was thr in person. so we chatted and stuff and her best fren was thr and we kinda talked.just a lil... walked ard some mall and i cld feel tt she wanted to hold my hand but i donno y i either kept putting my hand in my pockets or fiddling with my bag. then finally i acceded and let her hold my hand. then she became pretty chummy with me and i was feeling awkward. apparently her feelings for me never left all these months tho i cant say i reciprocated cos i din feel the same way anymore and i was still tryna get back with anu. i kinda told her tt and she said she understood but it kinda killed her and made me feel like shit. its jus tt ive been tinkin so much abt anu and all and wanted so badly to get back with her and work out our differences. but like always one problem comes fast and furious after another.

Smsed anu later at nite and the next afternoon all tt i needed to say then i found out nick told her he liked her. and therein lies the dilemma no one ever wants to be in. ever. 2 guys liking the same girl. and both guys being good frens. nick is like a brother to me and i know he likes anu damn alot. he once told me tt hed jus go berserk if he fails in a relationship after his past failures. tt kinda got me tinking. anu then told me she also likes nick, tho she doesn know wat she wants. wen dak exits, nick enters. i was getting tired of all this so i told anu to jus pick nick, seeing tt he din have my problem, he'll take less subs than i will which means more time and hes a nice guy, not ass-y like the rest of us. i felt like shit but i guess it was best for her since she likes him too. and after tt i jus sunk lower than ever b4 and tt prompted my decision to lay off girls and not bother abt relationships ever again. it really sux cos my feelings for anu probably like amplified over the past month or so but then i din wanna hurt nick. all my frens say i have to be selfish in love and tt i was so stupid in doing wat i did. oh well who cares. im still tinkin if i shd go back for sem 2. thr seems to be nothing to go back to. tho my dad will prolly disallow me to quit seeing i already did one sem. then again i don know if i can afford next sem, pending current circumstances. i guess i just gotta wait and mingle with the silence.

..of weird convos, emotions, and thoughts...

this post is gonna travel a couple a weeks back since i had no net this whole time and i plan to document every phase of my life..yeah as if..

so last i wrote i was in the hostel turning nocturnal (the transformation has since been complete)...well came back 2 or 3 fridays ago..tink it was 2.. and i had the weirdest convo with a taxi driver..actually with anyone... (convo occured in malay and is directly translated)

Taxi Driver(TD) : (after the usual "where to" and all) Are you indonesian?

Me: (wtf??!! Indon??!!) No. I'm S'porean.

TD: Oh. (pauses). So where's your village? Which part of Indon are u from?

Me: (Fuck!) No I'm from Singapore.

TD: Ohhhh Singapore. So where's your village in Singapore?

Me: (What?!) Erm no there's no village in Singapore. It's like an island. Just one state.

TD: Oh I see. So what are you doing here? Visiting relatives?

Me: No. I live here.

TD: Oh. Which part of Indonesia do your relatives live in?

Me(getting really annoyed): I dont have relatives in Indonesia. Only in Spore and Malaysia.

TD: Ok. Have u been to indonesia?

Me: (what is it with this guy and indonesia??) No.

TD: Oh. (long pause) I heard Sporeans are good at playing girls. Is that true?

Me: What? No no no. Well I don't know.

TD: What about you? Any girlfriends? (eyes me in the mirror)

Me: No. Broke up already.

TD: Sure or not? Handsome guy like you surely have 4 or 5 girls right? Don't bluff la.

Me: No really. I'm single.

TD: Really? You look like the playboy sort.

Me: (Not again).*smiles*

TD: So why'd u break up? Were u too rough during sex? She couldn't take it? (laughs)

Me: (WTBLOODYF)*tries to hide shock* No no.

TD: So how many girlfrens uve had? how many time have u 'played' them?

Me: (getting really annoyed and shocked) Never. I've never 'played' them.

Taxi arrives at home. I pay the damn fare

TD: Nice chatting with you tho ur so quiet.

I smile, roll my eyes and slam the door shut. Damn bloody malay asshole who just ruined my trip back home. at least there was my beloved cousin who was comin to my house from aussie

So after dumping my bag (which has remained unpacked until this day) in my room and randomly surfing tv channels, my mom told me my cousin had arrived. the last time she came in jan i had just finished night shift, i was tired like hell and basically ignored her. she claimed i gave her dirty angry looks. so this time i planned to be nice. tho i was tired and pissed by tt idiotic taxi shithead. diana(my cuz) and i became close via fb but nvr really conversed in person so i knew its gonna be weird. and weird it was. i smiled and said hi. she went "aaahhh no angry look!". i was like yeah. so we kinda smiled and stared at each other. there was the basic how are u and stuff. then she went to talk to my bro and tt was my cue to retreat to tv upstairs. at least i was nicer than last time. then she came up and we kinda warmed up to each other and pretty soon we were both in my room chatting. then my other cousin came and we all hung out and chatted and it was pretty fun. then everyone decided to hit spore at like 10plus and i was like no way in hell i was exhausted so i stayed home with my sis.

No this ain't my sis..she's my cousin Dee who might as well be my sister.... oh well....so much more to lament but im tired typing...

Check....No Juliet

Managed to slp at ard 830 ish after macbreaksfast. woke up at 12 ish and saw dak's msg tt he and anu were comin at 1. i was like wtf. so soon. had a quick bath b4 meetin em with nick of coz.. went to get my bus ticket and wen i came back to the car saw anu lyin on dak's shoulder. tts wen it hit me tt no matter how hard i try i prolly will never get her ever again. guess i only have myself to blame for takin her for granted (kinda i tink) while we dated. now tt i want her more than ever she has her eyes for her duckie. had quite a nice msn convo with her yst whr i did let her know how i felt and stuff and for certain moments i tot thr was a possibility we could get back together. but each time tt feeling cropped up it was instantly snuffed out with her saying she likes dak. guess i gotta be content with just being her fren. and while im at it i cld be a nice one and not a dark one.

played pool at ac after pickin ashwin up and despite me winning several games i wasnt in the mood cos i kept tinkin abt her.oh well. going back tmr anywaes so itll prolly help being away and shit.. met jacob in the library and poor dude still strugglin with exams.
finally can meet Dee tmr nite and hopefully all my Sporean buddies. Noories been pretty excited (i tink) abt meetin me. said she cant wait much longer. what exactly duz tt mean? tt she cant wait much longer. like if she keeps waiting and waiting then she wdn wanna see me again? lol..retarded...
hopefully things don go back to the way they were b4 i left home. no net no $ no phone. at least here had net and frens. home is like...zilch..well fri will be ok. sat might. sun wont. sigh. semester 2 shd just start now. ok im definitely retarded..

Eyes Wide Open

Ok its 7.23am as im typin this and ive not slept the whole night. this is retarded. wen i came back from 1u i was tired as hell. uploaded pix and did random onlining. din tink id make it past midnite. stupid net was damn slow by the time i uploaded pix it was like 230 or sth. donno how the hell i made it past 3am 4 am 5 am until now. so im sposed to buy my bus ticket for tmr today. dono if i can tahan the entire day or if ill be a zombie. this is crazy.tried slpin at 630 but nick kept talkin to me... for a moment i tot i was slp talkin. then i realised it was 7 and thr was sunlight. wtf...

tried n tried to slp n i jus cldn..then nick started playin songs...kinda got me awake..thot of swimming l8r..i got up to see the pool and realised my "lil bro" was awake. wide awake.wth. i wasnt even tinkin of anythin and all of a sudden thrs a mountain. tried to get my bro 2 slp but obviously cldn force it to. sigh. so attended to my lappie and wrote this random post..then nick got hungry and believe it or not called macd. wtf.this is crazy...

my life is definitely turning crazy.. just realised ive been tinkin alot abt anu. like too much. (she wasnt the cause of the mountain btw)...i really wanna get back with her but then we mite have probs next sem and then thrs her whole issue with duckie, who i myself have come to like. ok not in tt way la. i used to abhor him for the whole thing with anu but then i decided to give him a chance and test my new self. he's a really nice guy and really funny too. just tt i tink if it comes down to me and him anu will pick him cos of my 'lil' prob, which i hope to exterminate asap. but its not like a switch. so in a couple of hrs im gonna meet anu and mayb duckie and ashwin to buy my ticket ad just chill. cant wait to see my beloved Dee tmr night. been waiting super long for this. ok its 756. this is crazy.

Right Now (Bla Bla Bla)

Keep wakin up not believing im actually in Sunway, of all places. surely my life cant be so lifeless tt i have to resort to this god forsaken place for holidays. It seems tt way. so 1 day in sunway and already ive done more than the entire time ive been at home. sweet.

So its tuesday (actually its wed now) and its Nick's bday. spent the first hrs of his bday cocking ard in his room. slept ard 4 or 5 am. had no concrete plans for his bday so had to plan sth l8r. woke up at 2 and started onlining and making plans with anu angela and ashwin. things got very hectic and it became frustrating cos angela wasnt free(not her fault) and thr were other stuff tt prevented an outing from materialising. plan was to go out at 8 ish and celebrate but as usual it all fell apart. then angela kinda saved the situation by saying she was free the next day (today). after more smses and msn convos it was decided tt we would celebrate anushya's and nick's bdays at 1u. thk god. so nick un4tunately had to spend his bday with me as we both hit ac and pyramid to look for anu's bday gifts. sought help from angela who described this shirt tt anu wanted. looked for it but cldn find it. ended up buying her a smurfs shirt and knowing she liked spongebob, nick and i walked ard for hrs lookin for anything spongebob. finally found a spongebob beanie. cant bliv in the stupid mall they only had ONE spongebob-y thing. felt kinda glad and we went back. nick said he enjoyed his bday tho thr wasnt anythin special and tt made me happy. hopefully tmr wd be gd. and yea it was.

at nite nick continued his lil radio show. its really damn funny and this time anu joined in via fb. lol. slept at 4. had flu and cldn really sleep properly. woke up at 12 sth and anu infd tt daksha was gonna join us. ashwin mite too. cool. so nick and i reached 1u ard 2 plus and anu angela and dak came ard 4 cos of the jam. i felt relieved tt i did not blow up. i know my old self wd have blown up and just showed attitude at them for arriving late. but thkfully i had the brains to keep my self and attitude in check. anywaes it wasnt even their fault. moreover i din wanna spoil the whole outing. lunch was fun tho the poor cake got smashed here and thr and daksha got burnt. poor boy couldn get decent butter for his waffle. first was completely melted, 2nd was hard as hell. and he has the funniest scream ever. cldn stop luffin wenever he screamed.

aaron joined us later and anu and angela started going crazy wen he mentioned his gf was comin along. apparently his gf is chindian and a model and very hot. which made angela paranoid. lol. had fun pushin anu in a trolley and bowling (not her). aaron and his gf left after bowling and angela oso left cos she was ill. so the 4 of us watched Quarantine. kinda nice and scary. not scary scary but shocking scary. ok nvm u dun get me. i dun even know who 'u' r. so on the whole the double bday celebration went fine and everyone was happy, tho anu looked lifeless after bowling. felt bad i cldn buy anythin for nick and anu. stupid situation im in..

The cake Angela bot. Stupid fags wdn lite...

The Birthday Boy and Girl...Awwwwww

Glad everyone enjoyed the day, and the birthday ppl enjoyed their gifts. Peace Out!

Finally!

So much has happened since i last came into contact with existence, which was abt 2 weeks ago i tink, on a tuesday. tt was the day i left sunway for home, which was apparently sposed to create an eruption of a much anticipated joy. instead all it created was room for boredom and resulting irritation. this had been the situation for the past 2 weeks: no money, no net, no phone. which basically = no life. so ive been pretty much stuck at home doing nothing at all, besides playin my ps2 all day. had so many plans made wen i came back but circumstances cldn permit these plans to be carried out. yeah i really shd stop makin plans cos they jus don materialise. it sux soooooo much tt ive become more crazy than i cld ever imagine myself becoming.

So hrs and days passed by whr i jus sat idle in front my tv playin me ps2 like some video game addict, with absolutely no life whatsoever. Fuckin holidays. home had become a hell hole and very depressing. But, there was a glimmer of hope that could be the saving grace in preventing every vestige of my sanity from complete obliteration...

b4 the hols thr were plans made by JB & Nick to go up to Sitiawan to celebrate the latter's bday, and the day was set for monday,1st dec. So naturally and understandably i became excited like some deprived maniac (who can blame me) and was lookin 4wd to this trip. Nick was bloody excited as well and kept in frequent contact with me via sms...seeing i had no net. and anushya became my boredom buddy as she called me almost every nite. i guess thats the only good thing to have come out of this hols- me and anu bonding like nvr b4. while we dated i nvr really knew her. and now i do..well..kinda..i know her more..who knows...

in a short space of a few days me nick and anu became more tight and we made plans to meet up and hang and have a double bday celebration after the sitiawan trip. then came the fucking crushing blow- nick's dad suddenly din allow him to go to sitiawan, citing some reasons. on top of tt JB was ill and the rest weren't free. Great. Just fuckin great. i din know who to blame or vent my frustration at. But i felt really bad for nick, who's kinda like my younger bro. he was lookin 4wd so bloody much to spendin his bday with us and last min couldn.. and i felt damn helpless. smsed JB to try and salvage the situation but he himself was ill so din wanna bother him too much. Then Nick infd tt he cld go to kl cos his aunt was going. my mind started racing and it was decided that we would hit KL on the designated monday instead of sitiawan. since the rest werent free the Sitiawan trip cld be postponed and the KL trip brot 4wd. guess things were saved after all...

After a hectic rush of smses and plans (yes i still made em despite recent failures), there was now sth on my holiday agenda other than ps2 or pirated dvds. and so monday came. And i cant bliv as im typing this im back, of all places, in my hostel in Sunway. wth!!! i study in sunway, live in sunway and now im on holiday in sunway. im definitely retarded. fuckin bus drove so slowly i arrived an hr later then the intended time, anu picked me up along with nick daksha ashwin and her dog. she expected me to be bald but obviously im never ever gonna shave. she had no reaction tho. tad disappointed. spent the day in ac whr i lost my winning streak and had dinner at, sigh, medan. met jacob and tize bin. after dumping my stuff in my room went to bangsar to shisha and chill.kinda fun but after a while started feeling woozy and i just started stoning. so far 2 ppl have said i now look like pete wentz and another 2 say i look like jim carey. god help me..

Hope this is the turning point in the hols...