What Do I Want From Me

"Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep comin' around
Hey What do I want from me?"

Seriously, Ive no idea what I want from myself. For myself. Sometimes, the greatest pressure doesn't come from your parents or peers, but from yourself, and I guess that's what's happening to me right now. Perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on myself to succeed. And Lord knows it has backfired.

Random thought. It's been 4-5 weeks in uni. And I've realised that I don't really have a "guy" clique. Usually guys have their whole buncha friends from their hometowns or wadever. And for me, I'm usually always with a buncha girls. Not that it's a bad thing. But it ain't sucha good thing either. It just made me realise I've never had a whole bunch of guy friends ever since I set foot in Sunway 2 years ago.

Monash has screwed us over. Yet again. It's getting sickening. And yes I'm pissed cos they just messed up with our futures. Ok not so for mine cos I never really thought about it, but my friend had, so thats reason enough for me to be mad at Monash. And now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Being indecisive has alot of disadvantages. What happens from here on? Do we just go along with what our families have decided for us, even though we don't want to? Do we take the most convenient path? Perhaps we head to the place we really want to go despite all the difficulties of obtaining it. Or maybe, we just follow our friends wherever they go, since they're doing the same thing as us and we don't know what we want for ourselves. What do I want from me?

One prob that has plagued me since the beginning of time has to be the whole 'nice' issue. At times, I find myself being the nicest person I can be, cos that's who I generally am. Helping ppl and being nice makes u feel good. Yet, the downside is being unappreciated or taken advantage of. And then when I decide enough is enough and have that "fuck lah u assholes who keep using me" feeling, I shut them out. And they have the perception of u having attitude, forgetting all the good you've done. It's getting tiring. And I'm tired of complaining. And you're tired of me complaining. Lol. Guess I ain't the only one feeling like this.
"I am glad I finally decided to let go of a friendship that is brain draining.. I am dead tired trying to be who I am not, and thinking that I am always the one at fault.. I deserve so much better!!"
Friend's Facebook Status
What are u supposed to do? What do I want from me?

There are ppl who are born smart. And there are ppl like me who have to study. And I guess I've had enough. Enough of studying like a crazy nerd everyday, forsaking my social life and every little bit of pleasure in the process, and seeing all that hard work and effort not pay off. Its physically and mentally tiring. Of course I don't expect instant yields per se. But seeing that my constant nerding still makes me a clueless ass about everything and having disappointing returns week in week out just makes me wanna not try so hard anymore. So much input, no output. And others who seem to not give a damn about studies reap all the rewards they never sowed. It ain't about jealousy. Just unfairness. I'm too tired of everything. I just feel like giving up.

Lost Then Found...and Lost again

Yours truly is back. I've finally decided to heed the calls of my hundreds of loyal fans and return to cyberspace. Ok I lied i dun have hundreds of fans. Maybe only 2 or 3. :P . So bloody much has happened since uni started. Gosh where do I start. Uni. It's mind- boggling how I've been studying everyday for hours and yet I can never seem to keep pace with the schedule; I'm always 1/2 weeks behind. And certain ppl in Monash really shd take certain courses to enable them to be more proficient in specific fields. Not gonna name anyone cos I dun wanna get sued for sedition lol. BUT!

Someone has to stop saying "can you see or not" every 30 seconds.
Someone has to pronounce individual as "individual" and not "individiu".
Someone has to stop saying that the unit she is lecturing is boring. What kinda lecturer derides her own unit?
Whoever wrote the AFW1002 textbook should be sued (but I tink they're dead already). So many bloody mistakes. Glaring ones like "appplied".

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* Saw someone in lecture that looks like a freakin hybrid of me and another friend. Of cos that fella was good looking, tho his dress sense needs a lil twerkin. Lol.

*Getting creeped out by somene's supposed physicness. It's like our minds are completely connected.

* Made the biggest mistake I've ever made this year.

* What happened to sexyback? Well, I know she was My Love, but I doubt it was just a Summer Love, but maybe What Goes Around Comes Around and although I may still be Lovestoned this love aint gonna last Until The End Of Time:(

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My new room. Ok I didn't shift places. And its stupid to say new cos thrs no old pics to compare it with. But those of u who knows what my room looked like before will know the diff. Actually thr's not much.




The overall 'modifications' and 'renovations' of the room included that young boy sleeping. He was part of the renovation package. That's me roomie. :) Housemate turned Roommate turned Stranger turned Crashmate and now back to Roommate again. Got more scandalous pix of this fella but the pix are copyrighted so cant post anyhow and anywhere.

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What's the diff between a bitch and a pessimist? A bitch just talks shit about ppl beind their backs cos they're bored of their own lame lives and their sole misson in life is to destroy the lives of others. A pessimist just sees the bad/darker side of things, but he/she may be a good person.

Being a pessimist, I tend to always look on the dark side of life; every aspect of it. I don't hate things. I just see the bad in things, even the good ones. Like friends....

* You and I had not had any probs/bust-ups for ages. That's a good thing. But it probably is because we have not been close enough recently to have any disagreements. Yes, we've drifted.

* Personal talks seem harder with you now. There seems to be a wall between us, and any effort made to break it down always fails.. Trust is decreasing. The fun times are there, but so are the 'shit' ones. You seem to value nothing and no one, other than yourself.

* You tend to bullshit alot. Then again who doesn't. Called me your "best friend" once. [LOL]. You just seem to be changing perpetually, and it gves rise to the notion that you are fake. Then again, maybe its just my imagination.

* There's all the hoping and waiting and patience. And in the end nothing ever seems to materialise. Like the first one, there seems to be no problems with us because we've not been close enough.

* I've overlooked what everyone's been dishing about you - all the crap, shit, derisive comments- because you're close to me. Friends give and take, and accept each other's flaws. But sometimes, you just have to overdo it, and your mannerisms can irk even the most patient and kind of hearts. I prefer you acting 'old'.

* You used to be a saviour to me. Now, you just seem to be a nobody.

Everyone has their bad points. Heck, I'm emo, display attitude etc. And yes I love my friends but as mentioned, I always look on the dark side of life. I'm still wondering how I should be....

Current Mood: Frustrated

Current Songs:

Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

According To You - Orianthi

Uprising - Muse

Today Was A Fairytale - Taylor Swift

Eenie Meenie - Justin Bieber & Sean Kingston

Brick By Boring Brick - Paramore

Solo - IYAZ

Universe-City

Hols officially ended. Uni's started. I'm not pleased.
First day of Uni. Wanted to study. No material to use. I'm not pleased.
Books are friggin expensive. I'm not pleased.
I still have no friends in Uni. Except for my occasional hot friends. hahaha. I'm not pleased.
Wasted the first night of sem doing nothing. And by nothing I mean listening to music, watching cartoons, cocking around, having pillowfights etc. (yes, pillowfights). I'm not pleased.
Actually went to gym! And have been the butt of someone's jokes since forever. I'm not pleased.
Dunno how to find work to earn money. I'm not pleased.
Currently "half" succeeding with my 'operation'. I'm not pleased.
The net has been MIA since forever. I'm not pleased. (but its back now. =.=)
Timetable aint the exact way I planned it to be. I'm not pleased.
Future is still nebulous. I'm not pleased.
Some people are secret assholes. I'm not pleased.
Someone said I'm boring. Boring! I know I'm boring, but no one has ever said that before. I'm not pleased.
I am always not pleased. I'm not pleased that I'm always not pleased.

Current Mood: Frustrated
Current Songs:
Baby - Justin Bieber Feat Ludacris
Lost Then Found - Leona Lewis Feat OneRepublic
Cry Me Out - Pixie Lott
Telephone - Lady Gaga Feat Beyonce
Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas