What Do I Want From Me

"Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep comin' around
Hey What do I want from me?"

Seriously, Ive no idea what I want from myself. For myself. Sometimes, the greatest pressure doesn't come from your parents or peers, but from yourself, and I guess that's what's happening to me right now. Perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on myself to succeed. And Lord knows it has backfired.

Random thought. It's been 4-5 weeks in uni. And I've realised that I don't really have a "guy" clique. Usually guys have their whole buncha friends from their hometowns or wadever. And for me, I'm usually always with a buncha girls. Not that it's a bad thing. But it ain't sucha good thing either. It just made me realise I've never had a whole bunch of guy friends ever since I set foot in Sunway 2 years ago.

Monash has screwed us over. Yet again. It's getting sickening. And yes I'm pissed cos they just messed up with our futures. Ok not so for mine cos I never really thought about it, but my friend had, so thats reason enough for me to be mad at Monash. And now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Being indecisive has alot of disadvantages. What happens from here on? Do we just go along with what our families have decided for us, even though we don't want to? Do we take the most convenient path? Perhaps we head to the place we really want to go despite all the difficulties of obtaining it. Or maybe, we just follow our friends wherever they go, since they're doing the same thing as us and we don't know what we want for ourselves. What do I want from me?

One prob that has plagued me since the beginning of time has to be the whole 'nice' issue. At times, I find myself being the nicest person I can be, cos that's who I generally am. Helping ppl and being nice makes u feel good. Yet, the downside is being unappreciated or taken advantage of. And then when I decide enough is enough and have that "fuck lah u assholes who keep using me" feeling, I shut them out. And they have the perception of u having attitude, forgetting all the good you've done. It's getting tiring. And I'm tired of complaining. And you're tired of me complaining. Lol. Guess I ain't the only one feeling like this.
"I am glad I finally decided to let go of a friendship that is brain draining.. I am dead tired trying to be who I am not, and thinking that I am always the one at fault.. I deserve so much better!!"
Friend's Facebook Status
What are u supposed to do? What do I want from me?

There are ppl who are born smart. And there are ppl like me who have to study. And I guess I've had enough. Enough of studying like a crazy nerd everyday, forsaking my social life and every little bit of pleasure in the process, and seeing all that hard work and effort not pay off. Its physically and mentally tiring. Of course I don't expect instant yields per se. But seeing that my constant nerding still makes me a clueless ass about everything and having disappointing returns week in week out just makes me wanna not try so hard anymore. So much input, no output. And others who seem to not give a damn about studies reap all the rewards they never sowed. It ain't about jealousy. Just unfairness. I'm too tired of everything. I just feel like giving up.