Things were hectic. Became calm. And its about to get hectic again. And I'm not just talkin abt studies. Get to that later. I just realised I'm perhaps the single biggest idiot in the whole of Monash, if not the world. Time and time again I keep making the same mistakes. What's a confused young adult to do in a situation where he loses on both fronts? I dun mind helping people. Just don use me. I hate it. I've been guilty of it myself. I've stopped. You ppl shd too. Its sickening beyond description. The number of ppl Ive never spoken to in my life suddenly smsing/calling/msning demanding for my econs/accts assignments. WTF. Like I said I dont mind helping. At least help yourself first.
Realisation sunk in yesterday while studying management. Something that had caused a lot of discomfort in my mind for months finally hit me last night. The difference between real and fake. Well my lil ignorant-emo stint only served to cause hurt and unnecessary anguish. But I doubt it'll ever end. Not cos of me this time. It's tiring to be used. Actions speak louder than words. Words can lie. Actions rarely. I'm not gonna be blasting off at ppl anymore. Its lame and just childish, I realised. But I've kinda lost myself already. And it's hard to find myself back. Only certain ppl can see how I was before. Lame, Hyper, Retarded.That so called "emotional connection". Not cause they earned it, or that they deserve to. Hell, I aint some mighty Lord. Its just cause it is. I've tried too hard. Mentioned it once. Convinced myself it was real. That you were real. But I guess it was pretty much a lie. Damn why am I so emo???????
Nick once said "You cant keep depending on frens. Soon theyll start having their own lives and theyre gonna leave, and then youll be all alone."
True that. I try to bliv that certain frens will last, that they can somehow end up as lifelong frens, but i know it wont happen, and I dun bliv Ill ever get married. Im destined to live a sad lonely life lol. Maybe the path is already set. Kinda feelin it now already.
Anu said "Whats the point of scoring so high in MUFY? Its the score in uni that counts, right?"
True that as well. I may have scored so darn high in MUFY but in uni im being owned like nobody's business. Failed first biz stats "test" and barely passed econs assignment 1.
But I guess this is one area the onus is on me to change the current situation. I cant change how people behave, or how they treat you, but I can change how I'm faring in my studies. Ive no idea if its seeing Ian's constant Facebook stats abt him being a supposed workaholic or what but of late I've just felt the mood to study. The energy and drive. Maybe it was the accts and econs assignments that spurred me to finally start studying (not just finishing hw). Last weekend was perhaps my most productive one. Actually studied everything, including that horrible Biz Stats (which is pretty ok actually). Well I can feel this drive wont fade anytime soon, and I guess its better to prioritise my studies and focus on it instead of always worrying about friends who may not even be real frens or frens who are yr frens only becos they wanna use you for something.
Well life's unfair. Life's A bitch. Theres nothing we can do about it.
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