Bleeding Blood

With approximately 16 days to semsester 2, it seems these holidays have been shitty not just for me but everyone i had contacted, with boredom being king of the hols. cant any of us have a decent holiday? apparently not. oh well theres only 16 days b4 school starts again and tt may be a gd thing, it may not. for me, i don feel like going back for sem 2. prolly tell me parents wat i want and see wat they say. my dad will prolly kill me for wasting so much money and time for sem 1 only to quit after but maybe if i can drill the thought tt its not wat i want into his brains he may just acquiesce. hopefully. i have never been decisive and now maybe its the holidays tts screwing up my mind and making me tink irrationally and illogically but i jus don see myself studying in sunway next yr. if only i know wad i wanna do. but i dont. damn this hols have really screwed me up. listening to weird songs like metal, rock and chinese songs, watching chinese shows, being a full fledged nocturnal animal, one on the brink of a complete mental breakdown. not tt im gonna rehash britney's stint few yrs back, tho i may follow her hair shaving antics.

with the net now back, it has prevented an all out obliteration of my sanity. despite the net being extremely slow and unstable, im jus satisfied tt its back. how ive missed it. but i wdnt mind it being faster la. suddenly things are looking bit brighter, tho my eyesight is deteriorating. home is tad more peaceful. met up with dinie (cuz) last nite after midnite. surprised parents allowed me out. spent couple hrs jus chatting. felt pretty good. at least im one step into rebuilding my relationships with my cousins. im prolly the most deficient person on earth (hence my belief tt im an alien) and my family's the most dysfunctional one out there. so past couple of days have been pretty good, tho i still cant stop tinkin abt she-who-cannot-be-named-(actually-she-can-but-im-trying-to-give-her-a-dramatic-effect-which-i-realised-now-looks-just-plain-retarded). keep tinkin abt how weird its gonna be next sem. (another reason not to go back. seems like all the cons of going back outweighs the pros). other than tt everything else seem ok. i swear to God the next person who dumps crap on me Im gonna shove chopsticks into his/her nose, stab his/her eyes with forks, smack his/her face with a frying pan, plunge a pair of rusty scissors into his/her ass and kick him/her in his balls/her punani(however u spell it). if all these don make me feel better so help me God ill just murder him/her with my bare hands. there's enough crap with me to last 2 lifetimes. im definitely retarded. damn theres no mental hospital ard my area.

An Jing

So still without the net, phone and on the verge of complete bankruptcy, home had turned into a hell hole/mental asylum. there was only so much tv and ps2 can do. on sat night (2 sats ago i tink) my bro invited me to a dinner with all the cousins in spore. i wanted to go cos i was fucked at home but i din wanna go cos id feel awkward. i know my cousins but i don have the fundamental relationship with em. it was prolly due to us moving away from spore back in 1994 tt made me alienated from all my cousins on my moms side. somehow my bro, who as far as i can rmb also did not fraternize much with our cousins, had been hanging out with em and all...prolly reconnected via fb or sth. so i was stunned tt my bro kinda like rebuilt his r'ships with em. he used to be a complete reclusive hermit. unlike my eldest bro who is completely sociable. as for me i was, well, in between. neither sociable nor unfrenly. just middle. guess it sux bein the middle child. anywaes, over the yrs my 2nd bro seemed to have changed and took over my eldest bro's traits and i inhabited the shell vacated by him. i used to tink tt back in kl wenever i felt like some social outcast it was bcos chinese seemed to be the national language. but after the dinner with my cuzins i tink its just me. im officially a social retard. the whole dinner was so damn freakin awkward for me cos i jus sat thr listening to ppl speak. my bro got along w em all pretty fine and i was lookin like an idiot. couldn be happier wen we left.

so from that horrendous saturday till now, not much has happened. other than my mom suddenly turning me into a puppet and hell bent on pulling the strings- controlling wat i do with my hair as if its hers, controlling wat and wen i can eat, even my clothes. and somehow im grounded. i have no idea y. and shes not one to openly speak to me abt stuff. its like a tacit understanding tt i just have to accept all the shit my parents dish out. great. i swear im adopted. contemplated marking my arms with a pair of scissors one night but they looked tad dirty so i din.

met noorie last fri. she was shocked/surprised/elated and just cldn bliv i was thr in person. so we chatted and stuff and her best fren was thr and we kinda talked.just a lil... walked ard some mall and i cld feel tt she wanted to hold my hand but i donno y i either kept putting my hand in my pockets or fiddling with my bag. then finally i acceded and let her hold my hand. then she became pretty chummy with me and i was feeling awkward. apparently her feelings for me never left all these months tho i cant say i reciprocated cos i din feel the same way anymore and i was still tryna get back with anu. i kinda told her tt and she said she understood but it kinda killed her and made me feel like shit. its jus tt ive been tinkin so much abt anu and all and wanted so badly to get back with her and work out our differences. but like always one problem comes fast and furious after another.

Smsed anu later at nite and the next afternoon all tt i needed to say then i found out nick told her he liked her. and therein lies the dilemma no one ever wants to be in. ever. 2 guys liking the same girl. and both guys being good frens. nick is like a brother to me and i know he likes anu damn alot. he once told me tt hed jus go berserk if he fails in a relationship after his past failures. tt kinda got me tinking. anu then told me she also likes nick, tho she doesn know wat she wants. wen dak exits, nick enters. i was getting tired of all this so i told anu to jus pick nick, seeing tt he din have my problem, he'll take less subs than i will which means more time and hes a nice guy, not ass-y like the rest of us. i felt like shit but i guess it was best for her since she likes him too. and after tt i jus sunk lower than ever b4 and tt prompted my decision to lay off girls and not bother abt relationships ever again. it really sux cos my feelings for anu probably like amplified over the past month or so but then i din wanna hurt nick. all my frens say i have to be selfish in love and tt i was so stupid in doing wat i did. oh well who cares. im still tinkin if i shd go back for sem 2. thr seems to be nothing to go back to. tho my dad will prolly disallow me to quit seeing i already did one sem. then again i don know if i can afford next sem, pending current circumstances. i guess i just gotta wait and mingle with the silence.

..of weird convos, emotions, and thoughts...

this post is gonna travel a couple a weeks back since i had no net this whole time and i plan to document every phase of my life..yeah as if..

so last i wrote i was in the hostel turning nocturnal (the transformation has since been complete)...well came back 2 or 3 fridays ago..tink it was 2.. and i had the weirdest convo with a taxi driver..actually with anyone... (convo occured in malay and is directly translated)

Taxi Driver(TD) : (after the usual "where to" and all) Are you indonesian?

Me: (wtf??!! Indon??!!) No. I'm S'porean.

TD: Oh. (pauses). So where's your village? Which part of Indon are u from?

Me: (Fuck!) No I'm from Singapore.

TD: Ohhhh Singapore. So where's your village in Singapore?

Me: (What?!) Erm no there's no village in Singapore. It's like an island. Just one state.

TD: Oh I see. So what are you doing here? Visiting relatives?

Me: No. I live here.

TD: Oh. Which part of Indonesia do your relatives live in?

Me(getting really annoyed): I dont have relatives in Indonesia. Only in Spore and Malaysia.

TD: Ok. Have u been to indonesia?

Me: (what is it with this guy and indonesia??) No.

TD: Oh. (long pause) I heard Sporeans are good at playing girls. Is that true?

Me: What? No no no. Well I don't know.

TD: What about you? Any girlfriends? (eyes me in the mirror)

Me: No. Broke up already.

TD: Sure or not? Handsome guy like you surely have 4 or 5 girls right? Don't bluff la.

Me: No really. I'm single.

TD: Really? You look like the playboy sort.

Me: (Not again).*smiles*

TD: So why'd u break up? Were u too rough during sex? She couldn't take it? (laughs)

Me: (WTBLOODYF)*tries to hide shock* No no.

TD: So how many girlfrens uve had? how many time have u 'played' them?

Me: (getting really annoyed and shocked) Never. I've never 'played' them.

Taxi arrives at home. I pay the damn fare

TD: Nice chatting with you tho ur so quiet.

I smile, roll my eyes and slam the door shut. Damn bloody malay asshole who just ruined my trip back home. at least there was my beloved cousin who was comin to my house from aussie

So after dumping my bag (which has remained unpacked until this day) in my room and randomly surfing tv channels, my mom told me my cousin had arrived. the last time she came in jan i had just finished night shift, i was tired like hell and basically ignored her. she claimed i gave her dirty angry looks. so this time i planned to be nice. tho i was tired and pissed by tt idiotic taxi shithead. diana(my cuz) and i became close via fb but nvr really conversed in person so i knew its gonna be weird. and weird it was. i smiled and said hi. she went "aaahhh no angry look!". i was like yeah. so we kinda smiled and stared at each other. there was the basic how are u and stuff. then she went to talk to my bro and tt was my cue to retreat to tv upstairs. at least i was nicer than last time. then she came up and we kinda warmed up to each other and pretty soon we were both in my room chatting. then my other cousin came and we all hung out and chatted and it was pretty fun. then everyone decided to hit spore at like 10plus and i was like no way in hell i was exhausted so i stayed home with my sis.

No this ain't my sis..she's my cousin Dee who might as well be my sister.... oh well....so much more to lament but im tired typing...

Check....No Juliet

Managed to slp at ard 830 ish after macbreaksfast. woke up at 12 ish and saw dak's msg tt he and anu were comin at 1. i was like wtf. so soon. had a quick bath b4 meetin em with nick of coz.. went to get my bus ticket and wen i came back to the car saw anu lyin on dak's shoulder. tts wen it hit me tt no matter how hard i try i prolly will never get her ever again. guess i only have myself to blame for takin her for granted (kinda i tink) while we dated. now tt i want her more than ever she has her eyes for her duckie. had quite a nice msn convo with her yst whr i did let her know how i felt and stuff and for certain moments i tot thr was a possibility we could get back together. but each time tt feeling cropped up it was instantly snuffed out with her saying she likes dak. guess i gotta be content with just being her fren. and while im at it i cld be a nice one and not a dark one.

played pool at ac after pickin ashwin up and despite me winning several games i wasnt in the mood cos i kept tinkin abt her.oh well. going back tmr anywaes so itll prolly help being away and shit.. met jacob in the library and poor dude still strugglin with exams.
finally can meet Dee tmr nite and hopefully all my Sporean buddies. Noories been pretty excited (i tink) abt meetin me. said she cant wait much longer. what exactly duz tt mean? tt she cant wait much longer. like if she keeps waiting and waiting then she wdn wanna see me again? lol..retarded...
hopefully things don go back to the way they were b4 i left home. no net no $ no phone. at least here had net and frens. home is like...zilch..well fri will be ok. sat might. sun wont. sigh. semester 2 shd just start now. ok im definitely retarded..

Eyes Wide Open

Ok its 7.23am as im typin this and ive not slept the whole night. this is retarded. wen i came back from 1u i was tired as hell. uploaded pix and did random onlining. din tink id make it past midnite. stupid net was damn slow by the time i uploaded pix it was like 230 or sth. donno how the hell i made it past 3am 4 am 5 am until now. so im sposed to buy my bus ticket for tmr today. dono if i can tahan the entire day or if ill be a zombie. this is crazy.tried slpin at 630 but nick kept talkin to me... for a moment i tot i was slp talkin. then i realised it was 7 and thr was sunlight. wtf...

tried n tried to slp n i jus cldn..then nick started playin songs...kinda got me awake..thot of swimming l8r..i got up to see the pool and realised my "lil bro" was awake. wide awake.wth. i wasnt even tinkin of anythin and all of a sudden thrs a mountain. tried to get my bro 2 slp but obviously cldn force it to. sigh. so attended to my lappie and wrote this random post..then nick got hungry and believe it or not called macd. wtf.this is crazy...

my life is definitely turning crazy.. just realised ive been tinkin alot abt anu. like too much. (she wasnt the cause of the mountain btw)...i really wanna get back with her but then we mite have probs next sem and then thrs her whole issue with duckie, who i myself have come to like. ok not in tt way la. i used to abhor him for the whole thing with anu but then i decided to give him a chance and test my new self. he's a really nice guy and really funny too. just tt i tink if it comes down to me and him anu will pick him cos of my 'lil' prob, which i hope to exterminate asap. but its not like a switch. so in a couple of hrs im gonna meet anu and mayb duckie and ashwin to buy my ticket ad just chill. cant wait to see my beloved Dee tmr night. been waiting super long for this. ok its 756. this is crazy.

Right Now (Bla Bla Bla)

Keep wakin up not believing im actually in Sunway, of all places. surely my life cant be so lifeless tt i have to resort to this god forsaken place for holidays. It seems tt way. so 1 day in sunway and already ive done more than the entire time ive been at home. sweet.

So its tuesday (actually its wed now) and its Nick's bday. spent the first hrs of his bday cocking ard in his room. slept ard 4 or 5 am. had no concrete plans for his bday so had to plan sth l8r. woke up at 2 and started onlining and making plans with anu angela and ashwin. things got very hectic and it became frustrating cos angela wasnt free(not her fault) and thr were other stuff tt prevented an outing from materialising. plan was to go out at 8 ish and celebrate but as usual it all fell apart. then angela kinda saved the situation by saying she was free the next day (today). after more smses and msn convos it was decided tt we would celebrate anushya's and nick's bdays at 1u. thk god. so nick un4tunately had to spend his bday with me as we both hit ac and pyramid to look for anu's bday gifts. sought help from angela who described this shirt tt anu wanted. looked for it but cldn find it. ended up buying her a smurfs shirt and knowing she liked spongebob, nick and i walked ard for hrs lookin for anything spongebob. finally found a spongebob beanie. cant bliv in the stupid mall they only had ONE spongebob-y thing. felt kinda glad and we went back. nick said he enjoyed his bday tho thr wasnt anythin special and tt made me happy. hopefully tmr wd be gd. and yea it was.

at nite nick continued his lil radio show. its really damn funny and this time anu joined in via fb. lol. slept at 4. had flu and cldn really sleep properly. woke up at 12 sth and anu infd tt daksha was gonna join us. ashwin mite too. cool. so nick and i reached 1u ard 2 plus and anu angela and dak came ard 4 cos of the jam. i felt relieved tt i did not blow up. i know my old self wd have blown up and just showed attitude at them for arriving late. but thkfully i had the brains to keep my self and attitude in check. anywaes it wasnt even their fault. moreover i din wanna spoil the whole outing. lunch was fun tho the poor cake got smashed here and thr and daksha got burnt. poor boy couldn get decent butter for his waffle. first was completely melted, 2nd was hard as hell. and he has the funniest scream ever. cldn stop luffin wenever he screamed.

aaron joined us later and anu and angela started going crazy wen he mentioned his gf was comin along. apparently his gf is chindian and a model and very hot. which made angela paranoid. lol. had fun pushin anu in a trolley and bowling (not her). aaron and his gf left after bowling and angela oso left cos she was ill. so the 4 of us watched Quarantine. kinda nice and scary. not scary scary but shocking scary. ok nvm u dun get me. i dun even know who 'u' r. so on the whole the double bday celebration went fine and everyone was happy, tho anu looked lifeless after bowling. felt bad i cldn buy anythin for nick and anu. stupid situation im in..

The cake Angela bot. Stupid fags wdn lite...

The Birthday Boy and Girl...Awwwwww

Glad everyone enjoyed the day, and the birthday ppl enjoyed their gifts. Peace Out!

Finally!

So much has happened since i last came into contact with existence, which was abt 2 weeks ago i tink, on a tuesday. tt was the day i left sunway for home, which was apparently sposed to create an eruption of a much anticipated joy. instead all it created was room for boredom and resulting irritation. this had been the situation for the past 2 weeks: no money, no net, no phone. which basically = no life. so ive been pretty much stuck at home doing nothing at all, besides playin my ps2 all day. had so many plans made wen i came back but circumstances cldn permit these plans to be carried out. yeah i really shd stop makin plans cos they jus don materialise. it sux soooooo much tt ive become more crazy than i cld ever imagine myself becoming.

So hrs and days passed by whr i jus sat idle in front my tv playin me ps2 like some video game addict, with absolutely no life whatsoever. Fuckin holidays. home had become a hell hole and very depressing. But, there was a glimmer of hope that could be the saving grace in preventing every vestige of my sanity from complete obliteration...

b4 the hols thr were plans made by JB & Nick to go up to Sitiawan to celebrate the latter's bday, and the day was set for monday,1st dec. So naturally and understandably i became excited like some deprived maniac (who can blame me) and was lookin 4wd to this trip. Nick was bloody excited as well and kept in frequent contact with me via sms...seeing i had no net. and anushya became my boredom buddy as she called me almost every nite. i guess thats the only good thing to have come out of this hols- me and anu bonding like nvr b4. while we dated i nvr really knew her. and now i do..well..kinda..i know her more..who knows...

in a short space of a few days me nick and anu became more tight and we made plans to meet up and hang and have a double bday celebration after the sitiawan trip. then came the fucking crushing blow- nick's dad suddenly din allow him to go to sitiawan, citing some reasons. on top of tt JB was ill and the rest weren't free. Great. Just fuckin great. i din know who to blame or vent my frustration at. But i felt really bad for nick, who's kinda like my younger bro. he was lookin 4wd so bloody much to spendin his bday with us and last min couldn.. and i felt damn helpless. smsed JB to try and salvage the situation but he himself was ill so din wanna bother him too much. Then Nick infd tt he cld go to kl cos his aunt was going. my mind started racing and it was decided that we would hit KL on the designated monday instead of sitiawan. since the rest werent free the Sitiawan trip cld be postponed and the KL trip brot 4wd. guess things were saved after all...

After a hectic rush of smses and plans (yes i still made em despite recent failures), there was now sth on my holiday agenda other than ps2 or pirated dvds. and so monday came. And i cant bliv as im typing this im back, of all places, in my hostel in Sunway. wth!!! i study in sunway, live in sunway and now im on holiday in sunway. im definitely retarded. fuckin bus drove so slowly i arrived an hr later then the intended time, anu picked me up along with nick daksha ashwin and her dog. she expected me to be bald but obviously im never ever gonna shave. she had no reaction tho. tad disappointed. spent the day in ac whr i lost my winning streak and had dinner at, sigh, medan. met jacob and tize bin. after dumping my stuff in my room went to bangsar to shisha and chill.kinda fun but after a while started feeling woozy and i just started stoning. so far 2 ppl have said i now look like pete wentz and another 2 say i look like jim carey. god help me..

Hope this is the turning point in the hols...