An Jing

So still without the net, phone and on the verge of complete bankruptcy, home had turned into a hell hole/mental asylum. there was only so much tv and ps2 can do. on sat night (2 sats ago i tink) my bro invited me to a dinner with all the cousins in spore. i wanted to go cos i was fucked at home but i din wanna go cos id feel awkward. i know my cousins but i don have the fundamental relationship with em. it was prolly due to us moving away from spore back in 1994 tt made me alienated from all my cousins on my moms side. somehow my bro, who as far as i can rmb also did not fraternize much with our cousins, had been hanging out with em and all...prolly reconnected via fb or sth. so i was stunned tt my bro kinda like rebuilt his r'ships with em. he used to be a complete reclusive hermit. unlike my eldest bro who is completely sociable. as for me i was, well, in between. neither sociable nor unfrenly. just middle. guess it sux bein the middle child. anywaes, over the yrs my 2nd bro seemed to have changed and took over my eldest bro's traits and i inhabited the shell vacated by him. i used to tink tt back in kl wenever i felt like some social outcast it was bcos chinese seemed to be the national language. but after the dinner with my cuzins i tink its just me. im officially a social retard. the whole dinner was so damn freakin awkward for me cos i jus sat thr listening to ppl speak. my bro got along w em all pretty fine and i was lookin like an idiot. couldn be happier wen we left.

so from that horrendous saturday till now, not much has happened. other than my mom suddenly turning me into a puppet and hell bent on pulling the strings- controlling wat i do with my hair as if its hers, controlling wat and wen i can eat, even my clothes. and somehow im grounded. i have no idea y. and shes not one to openly speak to me abt stuff. its like a tacit understanding tt i just have to accept all the shit my parents dish out. great. i swear im adopted. contemplated marking my arms with a pair of scissors one night but they looked tad dirty so i din.

met noorie last fri. she was shocked/surprised/elated and just cldn bliv i was thr in person. so we chatted and stuff and her best fren was thr and we kinda talked.just a lil... walked ard some mall and i cld feel tt she wanted to hold my hand but i donno y i either kept putting my hand in my pockets or fiddling with my bag. then finally i acceded and let her hold my hand. then she became pretty chummy with me and i was feeling awkward. apparently her feelings for me never left all these months tho i cant say i reciprocated cos i din feel the same way anymore and i was still tryna get back with anu. i kinda told her tt and she said she understood but it kinda killed her and made me feel like shit. its jus tt ive been tinkin so much abt anu and all and wanted so badly to get back with her and work out our differences. but like always one problem comes fast and furious after another.

Smsed anu later at nite and the next afternoon all tt i needed to say then i found out nick told her he liked her. and therein lies the dilemma no one ever wants to be in. ever. 2 guys liking the same girl. and both guys being good frens. nick is like a brother to me and i know he likes anu damn alot. he once told me tt hed jus go berserk if he fails in a relationship after his past failures. tt kinda got me tinking. anu then told me she also likes nick, tho she doesn know wat she wants. wen dak exits, nick enters. i was getting tired of all this so i told anu to jus pick nick, seeing tt he din have my problem, he'll take less subs than i will which means more time and hes a nice guy, not ass-y like the rest of us. i felt like shit but i guess it was best for her since she likes him too. and after tt i jus sunk lower than ever b4 and tt prompted my decision to lay off girls and not bother abt relationships ever again. it really sux cos my feelings for anu probably like amplified over the past month or so but then i din wanna hurt nick. all my frens say i have to be selfish in love and tt i was so stupid in doing wat i did. oh well who cares. im still tinkin if i shd go back for sem 2. thr seems to be nothing to go back to. tho my dad will prolly disallow me to quit seeing i already did one sem. then again i don know if i can afford next sem, pending current circumstances. i guess i just gotta wait and mingle with the silence.