I prolly spoke too soon..or typed rather..it seemed I was included in Shitty Sunday's Spoiling Surprise. (ok wth?!) And to tink i cld be fooled into tinking shit wdnt happen to me for once. while crap was dumped on my frens i was havin it good. yeah rite...
Pain was intensifying and getting more frequent. told my mom i wanted to get a scan to know wat the prob actually was. there was a dark blue black which i tot meant internal bleeding. my mom was all yeah ok well get the recommendation letter and go for the scan. ok. cool. went to the doc. was a fren of me parents. spent all of 2 seconds "checking" me and the remaining 1 hr chatting abt trips and holidays. In between "hahaha yeah it's a nice place" and "oh the place is better now?" he prescibed me useless antibiotics and painkillers. i asked wads wrong he said some 'ch....itis' and tt its normal. he then tol my mom tt if it was an infection i wd be running a fever. Fuck him it duzn even need to be an infection. there cld be other things. how the hell wd he know wad it was wen he barely checked me. he aint superman. more like supershit. and my mom was bloody helpful in getting tt letter, or even talkin abt a scan. i hope i bleed from my mouth or nose (oh wait i have been bleeding from my nose for eons) so that she can SEE tt its not nothing. Stupid fuckers.
Went to get dinner. Sis was being a bitch cos she wanted to eat out but my cuz din wanna. cmon shes 9. somehow my sis had been really hatin my cuz cos she claims she annoys her. im like wtf. shes 9, staying in some relatively foreign house with foreign ppl. least we can do is make her feel welcome. apparently my sis disregarded the responsibility bestowed to her by my mom to teman my cuz. so i took over. it must suck for my cuz to feel so bloody alone in a weird place. shes quiet and all but i jus dun want her to feel all bored and lonely.
So dinner. all of us were starvin and mom bot pizza. i bot my cuz ice cream while waiting and sis was still being lil miss bitchy. then my moms russian fren (the one who meddles with my hair) called and said she was gonna come over w her husband. rejected mom's offer for dinner cos they ate already. so we get home, i went online and later went down. had the shock of my life wen my mom offered our dinner to em and told them that all of us ate already and werent hungry. WHERE THE BLOODY FUCK IS THE FUCKING LOGIC BEHIND THAT??? I was so fucking pissed. told my sis and cuz to just crash the dinner. Mom asked me to eat but i rejected and stormed back upstairs. yeah tad petulant but wtf. WTBLOODYF. in the end my anger kinda overcame my hunger. donno how tt was possible. the only good thing of the nite was my cuz (dinie) tellin me that my older bro wanted to get close to me, but din know how to. i was shocked. my bro and i kinda don talk, tho we are on good terms. we were damn close wen we were younger but grew apart gradually. i felt kinda glad but told my cuz i cldn just jump into a r'ship. its like wat im doing with my cousins now. building bridges. been tinkin abt it since then. cldn stop smiling. ive alwaes wanted to be able to talk to him abt stuff i cant talk abt with my younger sibs. guess hes made the first signal. i prolly shd respond, but i don know how. im not gd with ppl. cmon im a social retard, a total misfit. and my own bro. i din even know he was going back to kl today. bloody pathetic. how do i not know these things. in my own home too. am i just so concerned with my own bubble i fail to notice other ppl? wth
Nick seemed to be doing ok, in a disturbing way. Delirious, extremely happy. i donno if i shd jus let him be or wat. Hope he does fine next year in coll. Still donno what my parents want from me, and for me. I only have a week left. Chatted with JB after ages. Asked if i was really not comin back and i was tinkin wtf how does he know? who the hell spreads this. tol him not confirmed. we chatted a while more n he tol me to let him know asap.
wads the point of living if we're all gonna die anywaes. u do good u do evil u die. ur rich ur poor u die. its not like we'll make a difference. even if we did it'll prolly die too. i jus need some enlightenment on life after death. minds been inundated with morbid thots of late. i wont be on earth forever. wad happens once i die? ill float ard earth? ill be locked in a cage in hell? ill be living again in heaven? hope my grandma can tell me. miss her like crazy and i still cnt forgive myself. secondhand serenade's bloody emo songs aren't helping. i just donno wad to do with life. maybe i shd just go back for sem 2. since i donno wad to do with my life, might as well live it without meaning, and just go thru the motions till i die. no point fighting for wat i want.
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