Goodbye 2009

Yet another year is on the brink of being history as we usher in the year 2010. This would probably be the last post of 2009 for me, and Id like to take a look at the highs and lows of a rather tumultuous year.

* Most Embarrassing moment:
Without a doubt, having my privates exposed and seen by someone. TWICE.

* Most Emo moment:
2 I can remember among many, but prolly has to be the late Jan-March period. Wont go into detail.

* Most Hyper moment:
Guess it has to be any of the Bohos we had. Specially with Mich.

* Most Angry moment:
Accounts Exam in Monash. Lol

* Most Happy moment:
August. The month seemed drama-free. And also a certain week of January.

* Most Lame moment:
There are gazillions, but the lamest has to be the secretive convos and "thpathtic" times with Ann.

* Most Nerd moment:
Sep- Nov. DUH.

* Most Nice moment:
Helpin someone with Research Paper and assignment. There's something about seeing your help not get wasted and eventually paying off for that someone. Feels good.

* Most Evil moment:
Giving unnecessary attitude to 2 ppl. One during MUFY another in Monash.

* Most Memorable moment:
Same as the embarrassing moment. Having my d*** seen at CLOSE RANGE for few seconds. As bloody embarrassing as it was, it was an awkwardly funny moment and one hard to forget too.

* Most Emo Song:
No doubt Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone

* Most Catchy Song:
Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

* Most Happy Song:
Black Eyed Peas - I Gotta Feeling

* Most Peaceful Song
Owl City - Fireflies

Lessons learnt in 2009:
* When you get beaten down, fight to pick yourself up no matter how hard it is, or how bad the situation is.
* Choose friendships wisely. Friends are one of the vital pillars and aspects of our lives, and not having proper friends can be dangerous. Keep your good friends close.
* Do not be generous with kindness. Too little is not good for others, but too much is not good for yourself.

Hēi Sè Yōu Mò

Thrs been one song that has been stuck in my head for few weeks now already. If you'd noticed, sometimes Id have a lil "current songs" section in me posts. these are the songs that are stuck in my head for that period of time. But this one song really caught my attention. Its not catchy, and thrs no like super audio effects or wadever. You might even call it boring. and, its not even in english. Well, the song is the title of this post. By Jay Chou. Means Black Humour. I think. The song has alot of raw emotions, and i guess, me being emo, tts y it attracted me. Anywaes, the lyrics are pretty meaningful. Kinda applies to certain aspects of my life right now.

難過
是因為悶了很久
是因為想了太多
是心理起了作用
你說 苦笑常常陪著你
在一起有點勉強
該不該現在休了我
不想太多
我想一定是我
聽錯弄錯搞錯
拜託 我想是你的腦袋有問題
隨便說說
其實我早已經猜透看透不想多說
只是我怕眼淚撐不住
不懂 你的黑色幽默
想通 卻又再考倒我
說散 你想很久了吧
我不想拆穿你
當作 是你開的玩笑
想通 卻又再考倒我
說散 你想很久了吧
敗給你的黑色幽默
說散 你想很久了吧
我的認真敗給黑色幽默

First, I aint sure if the chinese characters are right. C'mon I don read/write chinese.

Second, I dont tink this is the full song cos thrs a repeat in the verse.

Third, Im not gonna translate it if u cant read chinese/mandarin. If u wanna know go bother findin out yrself lol (and i know u wont bother haha)

No song has got me "emotionally attached" [sounds really gay] like this song. Other songs that had were An Jing (oso Jay Chou) and Already Gone (Kelly Clarkson)

Other Current Songs:

I See You (Leona Lewis)

Hard (Rihanna Feat Jeezy)

Heaven Can Wait (We The Kings)

Morning After Dark/If We Ever Meet Again (Timbaland)

Love Me/One Less Lonely Girl (Justin Bieber)

Straight Through My Heart (Backstreet Boys)

In My Head (Jason DeRulo)

Rock That Body (Black Eyed Peas)

Rights

Just cos we're hot/gd-looking does it give us the right to say others are ugly?
Just cos we're smart does it give us the right to say others are stupid?
Just cos we're tall does it give us the right to say others are short?
Just cos we're slim does it give us the right to say others are fat?
Just cos we're rich does it give us the right to say others are poor?
It doesn't.

Just cos we're older than others does it give them the right to say we're old?
Jus cos we hang out alot with the opposite sex does it give others the right to label us playboy/flirt?
Just cos we wear short skirts and high heels does it give others the right to call us prostitutes?
Just cos we had several boyfriends in a year does it give others the right to say we're sluts?
Just cos we wear specs and don have cool spunky hair does it give others the right to label us nerds?
Just cos we're not acutely aware of our surroundings and ongoings does it give others the right to claim that we're dumb?
Just cos we're not friendly does it give others the right to say that we're arrogant?
It doesn't.

Quit Labelling. And narrow perspectives. It does more than just make u look like an ass.

Lie-f

Sudden deaths are happening all the time. To the very healthy. To the extremely young. No one is spared. It comes at any time. Therefore...

TAKE EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO

TELL YOUR LOVED ONES YOU LOVE THEM

AND RESOLVE CONFLICTS WITH THOSE YOU HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST

Life is too short for you to nurse hatred

But its never too short for you to emo :D

MLIRE

Sux to leave. I don't wanna leave. Not now. SexyBack! I'm close to being Justin Timberlake. So Sien.

Ok Ignore that. Wont geddit.

Summer School. Not a Waste of Time. At all. Course Management is kinda spastic. Gives wrong info and shit abt Clayton transfer. Just like lecturers. Who miss the blatantly obvious facts sometimes.

Been chatting alot with couple of friends lately and numerous interesting issues have cropped up. One of em is the issue of saying goodbye to friends. Of course personally, I'd want to have some friends FOR LIFE, but reality states that this is probably gonna be impossible. Over the years, not all our friends are gonna tread the same path we do, and do the same things we do. Each has his/her own life to live, one we may not be destined to be a part of. Parting ways and saying goodbye is gonna be hard and painful, especially with those we are really close with. So is it logical that we conciously not be so close with them, to ease the pain when the day arrives where we bid our goodbyes and never see em again? Probably not. But its just food for thought. One fren's had alot of pain to deal with of late. Having to say goodbye to her boyfren AND girlfren (close girl fren) back to back. Double blow.

Being nice to others has always been an issue for alot of ppl, and it has been especially for me. Of course, kindness should be unconditional, like parents' love to their children. BUT, being nice starts coming at a price once people take advantage of it. So next time you contemplate on whether or not to be nice to someone, just ponder and think if that person would do the same for you- if that person would do that same nice deed for you. If you think yes, then do it. If not, then render your kindness elsewhere. It may seem selfish and calculative, but theres really no fun being trampled on and taken advantage of. People will start saying yr selfish, a bitch and etc, but u can never shut ppl up can you-they are alwaes gonna talk. You can't stop them from doing so. Most ppl will only remember that 1 time you screwed up, and forget the other 99 times u were there, and use that 1 time to define you. That aint the way it ought to be, but sadly it is. When Life beats you down, you gotta get back up and take a stand for yourself.

Advice sent in an email:
# When you say "I love you", mean it.
# When you apologize, look the person in the eye.
# Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
# In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
# Don't judge people by their relatives.
# Remember that great love, great friendships and great achievements involve great risks.
# When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
# Remember the 3 Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for your own actions.
# Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
# When you realised that you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
# Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Pretty good I might say. Lol.

Holidays so far have, probably due to lack of activity, triggered lots of rumination and introspection about alot of things, especially the way things are gonna be next sem in March. Some things have already been made clear during the hols. Summer School is actually a blessing in disguise. Too bad I don't usually get blessings. Not even when I sneeze.

+w0 f@C€d

The first part of this post is gonna be happy hyper jumpy jumper, the second part is gonna be sad bad mad emo. ok i cldn think of another adjective to rhyme with -ad.

WEIRD CONVOS:
* driving in anu's car, listening to "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon. anu asks me "hey do u have sex on fire?" i looked shocked and said "no!"

*Ann mixed zappel and coke in her cup. After drinking a bit.. "it tastes like zappel mixed with coke!"

*Lala, Ann, Ash, Nick and myself were eating at Pink. TV shows Leighton Meester's "Somebody to Love" video. Lala yells "eyy she looks like Blair Waldorff!" For those not in the know, Leighton Meester IS Blair Waldorff in Gossip Girl.

*Playing charades. Ashwin points to Aaron tryin to get him to say "boy". Aaron immediately says "buff".

*Ann had a sore throat and says "wont it be nice if thr was a hole in yr throat for all yr food to jus come out." I replied "yeah u have yr ass for that"

*Ann and I have a list of code words and phrases we use wen we converse. One of them was "bringing sexyback". While chatting with Anu at the balcony i tol her what it meant. When we came back inside Ann asked me very confidently thinking Anu didnt know "so did u bring sexyback?". Anu, very coolly says "I know what it means".

Anu and Nick's bday celebration was pretty awesome. usual drinkin and games. lotsa luffs and shit. even wen everyone was dead the fun never died. kinda glad cos managed to get sth off me chest too :D i may not be sexy but im sure as hell tryna bring it back ;)

OK. NOW THE SECOND PART.
Results are out. And as expected its damn disappointing. What i din expect tho is scoring HIGHEST for the TOUGHEST paper and SCREWIN UP the EASIEST paper. On the whole perhaps some might say the results ive obtained are good etc but personally its just very disappointing. im glad for those who did well (getting 3 hds and stuff), but still cant shake of this bloody disappointing feeling. and then thrs those whose worst fears materialised- discovering they failed certain papers. Fuck. What happens now? Don't think can transfer to Aus anymore. so much for making that an issue. Sigh. Life sux and its unfair. When it gives you a lemon and u try to make lemonade from it, pee comes out. Or in the selfish perspective, if life gives u a lemonade, u ask for one more. ok now i dun even know my point.

Hols are kinda ruined. Next sem is gonna be diff. I dunno how but I jus know it is gonna be. One things for sure, I definitely need to work harder, cos obviously how much i studied this sem is not enuf. bloody hell. Should I continue playing Mr Nice Guy next sem? or fuck everyone off and jus focus on myself cos clearly playing the good guy is helping others and not myself. But Ann pointed out the fact that no matter how hard I try to not be nice, i alwaes fail cos its jus who I am. Damn. 3 months to heal. Gonna be a long time. If oni I cld hibernate and wake up a week b4 march, but tts impossible. don really know wad to do for hols now. dun have d mood for anything anymore. ok perhaps im being tad whiny and complaining too much. oh well. wen life gives me lemons i jus throw it back in its face. Again, I dunno my point.

On a completely diff note, its amazing how some random person u do not know at all can turn out to be EXACTLY like you. Was readin this person's blog and each post just made me go "F*CK!" cos that person was like a clone of me. or maybe i was a clone of that person. and i thot i was the only one who was on the emo roller coaster ride. LOL. tho it does not affect me in any way it kinda pleases me. random.

Random Mumbo Jumbo with a tinge of Introspection

Ok pardon the title. Not that anything would happen if you don't pardon it.

I've realised that watching teen dramas (altho im no longer a teen) is not just a waste of time and not just for pure entertainment. It could actually be pretty educational. Especially One Tree Hill. Not only can you actually relate to alot of instances in the show, it actually gets you thinking about alot of important stuff (evident from my previous post). Teaches you about life, love, family and friends. Ultimately alot of dramas nowadays revolve around these but we cant relate to all of em (hello...90210 and Gossip Girl, who d heck are rich like em???). Altho we CAN learn some stuff. Like Serena telling Nate not to tell the truth if the truth is gonna hurt somebody. Ok I dunno which is more gay. The fact Im quoting Gossip Girl or the fact I can even remember it. Or the fact i watch it. Well one thing I learnt from watching 6 seasons of OTH is that friendship is really important, and sometimes, when your parents are annoying assholes who don't treat you like proper children (or adults), your friends can be an "escape" route, for they are the ones who 'replace' the role of yr parents - provide moral and emotional support etc.

Speakin of parents, its funny how they are the ONLY ones in a conventional family not related by blood. LOL. ok random thought.

Looking back at below's post, I think what makes one close to another is NOT the number of facts we know abt the person [you may know everything about them, but if you can't "be a friend" to them, thats not being close. Just cos you know everything about your tutor doesnt make him/her a close friend, does it?]. It MAY BE the frequency of how much you hang out with them [the more times you hang out with them, chances are you will converse etc, but again that depends on what the conversation actually revolves around (superficial or deep), and what 'hanging out' actually means]. I think its the ease with which we can talk to that person about anything at any time that best defines how close we are to that person. Doesnt matter if they really hang out or you dont know every single detail of their life, but if you can talk to that person about anything at any time, chances are you will be closer. You can hang out daily and know everything about them, but if you cant hold a conversation with that person, that's not being close, is it. Case in point: Exam period was really hectic and I'd not hung out with anyone, especially a certain Miss T (since she calls me Fsspold man, Ive to think of a code name for her. and Good Girl Gone Bad Gone Terrible blah blah blah seems freakin ages ago. and too long). Anyway, we'd not hung out for months and after exams we finally had the chance to meet up and talk. Spent 6 bloody hours at MacD AC chit chatting abt everything and anything. THAT'S what I call a close friend. Though we rarely hang out, and I don know every single detail of that person's life, we can still talk easily :) At least in my opinion lah. I may be wrong, so....

Approx 2 weeks of holidays gone, another 13 weeks to go. And I'm already sick of hols, no thanks to the stupid circumstances and situations I've to face and been placed in.

Current Songs: Yáng Guāng Zhái Nán (Jay Chou), Bad Romance, Telephone (Lady Gaga), Secrets (OneRepublic), One Time (Justin Bieber), Shut It Down (Pitbull Feat. Akon), Outta My Head (Leona Lewis), 活著 (Jam Hsiao), Tik Tok (Ke$ha), Somebody To Love (Leighton Meester Feat. Robin Thicke), Wait Your Turn (Rihanna).
Don't ask y I have chinese songs or y i listen to em. I may not know wad d heck the songs are abt but the melody and tune is nice so thats reason enuf to listen to em. lol.

introspection

What provides us with the ability to claim that we are close to somebody? That we can say "oh yeah he/she's my close friend" or "nah im not close to that person at all".
What exactly defines closeness?
Is it assessed by the number of facts we know about that person? Their deepest secret, fear, favourite food, hobby etc?
Or perhaps the amount of time spent hanging out with them. Until we know their routines etc.
Or is it judged by the ease in which we can talk to them about anything at any time, no matter how trivial or significant, disturbing or embarrassing, sad or funny.

There comes a time when every life goes off course. Pretty sure its happened once. Could be minor, or major. In this desperate moment, we need to make decisions that determine the direction we're headed. Should we fight and get our lives back on track?Let others make decisions for us? Will we be haunted by these choices we make for ourselves, and regret them later in life? Each day marks a new beginning, where we can move forward, or simply give up.

Choices we make should not lead to regret. Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes its small, like when we do something wrong for a good reason, but yet it still goes against what we believe. Some are bigger, like when we betray a friend and let them down. But sometimes, we escape the pangs of regret by making the right choices. In those times where we don't, we need to fight to come to terms with the past, and all our choices that had defined that very moments. And other times, we simply bury our regrets by promising ourselves to change our ways for the better.

Life comes at us all the time, and at times we may struggle to find the courage to face it. Do we have someone we can depend on when we're too weak to depend on ourselves? Someone to watch over us when we stumble and fall, and in that instance, give us the courage we need to pick ourselves up and carry on with what life has to offer.
=============================================

Have you ever had a dream so real, that when you woke up you didn't know what to believe? What you would do if what you thought was true wasn't, and what you thought wasn't true was? Was there an intention for the dream you had? Like a warning, or message? Your conscience taking charge of your mind. Dreams of your friends dying, fighting with friends, at times completely incomprehensible that the mind does not know what to make of it. But yet the clarity of the dream still lingers long after it happened. Dreams of intruders breaking into your house, and in the process beating you senseless you land in a coma. Or being hunted by a killer and chased through dark places until he shoots you in the face and you drop dead. Dreams of failing a major exam, and being forced to retake it. Are dreams a warning of what is to come in the future? Or did they occur because of bitter or sweet experiences we had faced in the past?

Nostalgia!

This is what I've learnt from the 4 subjects Ive taken in my first sem in Monash:

Accounts: Just earning money is not enough. You need to know how to manage them as well.
Econs: A market just isnt the same anymore. you know, the one selling vegetables, poultry etc...
Management: A manager can be anyone in charge of a group of people. But lecturers in Monash can never be one cos they suck at everything.
Biz Stats: Timelines exist in personal life. The trend and cycle that had been occuring since my high school days. In high school, whenever the birthdays of my close social circle approached, some retarded big fight will occur. In Mufy/Monash, whenever hols approached, there'll be some kinda big/small argument/fight with my close fren. LOL. wtf. why m i so spastic?

Exams are finally over but Im not awashed with some giant euphoric feeling of joy. Maybe its the fact I know I didnt to my best for all papers, or the fact Im just tired. [Its NOT cos I cant study anymore. LOL].

Finally went to AC after forever with Gary, PW, Reb, Thanu, Vic & Gavin after Pyramid. How we managed to squeeze in PW's car was beyond me. Kinda gotten close wif these buncha ppl after few weeks of studying and chilling together. And Ann. Lala, Ashwin, Anna and tt whole bunch were also in AC. LOL. Old times, good times. Ann thrashed me in pool. obviously. cos shes been playin a lot and the last time i held a stick in my hand to hit balls [;)] was in July i tink.
Anywaes i find it weird tt ppl say the current frens i hang out wif are my "new" clique. they are jus another grp of frens. jus cos i hang out wif em more recently doesnt mean i forget my other frens.

After AC went back to Sun-U Condo cos Reb, PW n Gary needed a change of clothes. went to poolside to chill. Damn i miss swimming! Despite the unhappy moments thr, kinda miss condo too. Reminded me of my time in MUFY. pool looked damn tempting. but all in all the whole place felt rather alien. the guards were still a bitch tho. somethings never change.

Went for dinner at Tahir's place. He Pooja Ian apparently were cooking dinner and darn it was good. Hung there for a long while, then went to Macd since i owed ppl treats. Kena irritated by a bunch of Indian kids who were scaring the hell out of Reb and PW. bloody assholic kids. Hung out at my place, went to some really fantastic mamak, took a short rest back at Tahir's before finally leaving to KLIA ard 545am to send Pooja off. Met shane and elisha thr. Pretty emotional moment when they had to leave. And the stupid banner "We Make It Hard to Say Goodbye" didnt help one bit. Finally came home ard 10-11am.

More outings tmr, monday, tuesday. dunno wen to go back. Im not gonna lie when i say I will miss Sunway. ok not the place but the ppl. 3 months is long, and a lot can happen in 3 months. But i guess this is where everyone goes back to their pre-Sunway lives. whatever that means. Lets jus see wad happens in March 2010. Till then, goodnight Monash, goodbye Sunway and hopefully I'll set foot here in 3 months time. Dunno what the 3 months will hold for me. Doubt itll be good tho. As always.

realised this is the first time ive blogged 'traditionally' in a long long while. lol.

Hide and Seek

PLAGIARISM in ANY way shd be f*cking abolished! and i aint jus referring abt those in educational institutions.
Im insanely jealous. of them. sigh.
2 days to 3months of freedom.
I shd get shot. By myself. I am my own weakest link. Goodbye.


* I had a friend request from this South African girl I din know. I dun usually accept requests from unknowns, but I accepted her cos she was hot. After I did my friend count went down my one. MLIA.

* I was browsing thru my fren's page when I saw that he had 2 frens whose names were freakin similar to mine and a fren's. Ahmad Syalabi and Bek JunHao. WTF!

* Been studying like a man possessed for months now. Come exam time, I forgot EVERYTHING and was forced to crap. Furthermore, there's a high possibility I may even fail the darn paper. Studying so much and failing? I did say I may end up being the laughing stock of the entire Monash U. FML.

* Met Anu in Sunway Coll to study. Classroom was cool, and I tol her its fine. After a while it got warm and she said I cld adjust the aircon if i wanted. The aircon was never on in the first place. LOL.

* Was readin Econs tutorial questions. Ended up reading all the crap I had doodled on the paper instead. LOL.

* Took a pill to stay awake the whole night. Finally lived up to my "reputation" of being a junkie. LOL.

* Currently at a friend's place. He shall not be named to protect his identity.
Me: I wanna go back.
Him: Cannot.
Me: Why cannot go back?
Him: Cos u have an obligation.
Me: What obligation?
Him: An obligation...which you must oblige! =.=
.................................
Him: I can't start on a new topic in the evening or night. I need to eat first or sth.
Me: So when u plan to start? Tomorrow?
Him: Have to start asap lah, maybe tonight. =.=
.................................
Theres so much more I can write but Im not gonna reveal anymore lah. need to protect his privacy. BUT there was this "take it out" incident which was so hilarious but I cant talk about it cos its R21. HAHA. lame.

The trend of the exams so far has been:

Accounts: Shit cos all their questions were so rojak and encrypted with some sort of accounting spell that we cldn answer cos we din even know how to decipher them.
Econs: Honestly, the paper was easy. BUT. I blanked out and forgot everything. Damn!
Management: The paper was ok. What I thot would be tested came out. And I had focused on them. BUT. again. I spaced out. and couldnt recall what I studied. On top of that I din even finish the paper. bye bye 30 marks. bye bye pass? dun even mention HD.
Biz Stats: on friday. and i dunno why im blogging. instead of studying.

Ok this is random but u gotta listen to Owl City. He is the shit! His songs are catchy yet calming without being so mainstream. Kinda like Secondhand Serenade but not so "gay" lah.
I feel damn dirty. Wearing the same clothes over and over again.
Can't wait for Friday. Gonna freak out! Yes, I said freak out. no more STUDYING. no more EMO. no more crap. [ok i feel stupid talking to myself].

I shd go do sth more productive. Like studying.

FUCK YOU MONASH FUCK YOU!!!

ANGER. FRUSTRATION. DISAPPOINTMENT. BUT MAINLY REGRET.
seething with rage. all the energy, the time, the effort. the sleep sacrificed. all my drive to study has been destroyed. i dont see the point of trying so hard anymore. all the input, and no output. i may be overreacting. but still. all those weeks feverishly revising, practicing, consulting tutors. for what fuck?! im seriously at a point of breaking down. you may go WTF? or tell me to quit complaining, but yeah maybe u dunno how it feels. maybe you do. why the fuck do u test us on things we were not taught? ppl may just brush it off and "move on". well i cant. yeah its jus one paper but all that effort for nothing. so bad i actually left questions blank. this fuckin sux to the max. maybe i shdve jus enjoyed myself and not studied in the first place. guess i was right after all. i m the biggest joke. fuck u monash. fuck u. fuck myself.

I can only fear the worst for Econs, Management and Biz Stats now.

Trouble is a Friend of Mine

Try this. It's supposed to work....

1) Think of your favourite number

2) Think of someone of the same sex

3) Think of someone of the opposite sex

4) Pick one out of dog, cat, tiger, snake

5) Pick one out of blue, red, white, green

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1) The number you chose is supposedly the number of real close friends you'll have in life.

2) This is your closest/best friend.

3) This is the person you have a crush on/like/are currently with. [2 and 3 may intertwine]

4) This is a general analysis of how you view relationships.

Dog = You are extremely loyal when it comes to relationships and friendships. You place high importance on your relationships with your loved ones. You put them ahead of a lot of things and go all out not to jeapordise them. You love them alot and will do anything for them.

Cat = You are selective when it comes to picking your friends. You have different 'levels' of proximity with them; you don't trust all of them and are not close with all of them. They form your social circle for the sake of, and they rarely get close to you. Only because you rarely let them.

Tiger = You are very protective of your friends. You will defend them at all means but you are not necessarily close with them. You just need them when the time arises, and thats when you look for them. You prefer to be alone most of the time.

Snake = You place little value on friendships and relationships. You are generally manipulative, and you use your friends for your own advantage without taking their feelings or the consequences of your actions into consideration. You are not afraid to trample on anyone for the sake of reaching whatever intentions you have.

5) This is a general analysis of your character

Blue = You are relatively cool, not in physique but in mannerisms. You are not generally open, and tend to be introverted alot. However, with the correct people, you can turn around and let them in. You hate conflicts, and when one arises, you will do whatever it takes to resolve it as you do not want it to drag further. You may have little consideration of others' emotions, as you may let out little outbursts every now and then.

Red = You are very tempremental. Little things irk you easily and you lose your cool at the smallest of incidents. You get mad when things dont go your way and you tend to blast off at people, even when they are not involved. However, you are also passionate and emotional when it comes to relationships. You care for people that matter alot. You are strong willed and focused at achieving whatever goal you want to pursue.

White = You are the proverbial "good guy"; you dislike conflicts, you try your very best to please everyone, you tend to keep to yourself and shun from the "spotlight". You rarely lose your cool, and you have a very matured perception on life. You may not care for everyone around you, but you do not hate them as well; you are neutral.

Green = You are a nature lover; you like the environment and animals. You are sensitive to the needs of others and you are calm and collected, more often than not. You are also laidback, sometimes lacking focus and direction in life. You need others to push you before you start doing something. You are generally in tune with your social life and family. You do not get affected by problems easily.

*these are just the main analysis of behaviour. of course it does not define accurately one single individual, who is most probably a mixture of behaviours. This just portrays the dominant characteristics.

ŔάŋФM

= Finally went out with Oscar. Didn't know he was with his gf. Die. Gonna feel like a lamppost. He speaks mandarin with his gf. I've always hated that feeling. Die. Surprisingly I felt the most unlamppost-y during the outing and it was fun. Potential double lamppost situation avoided.


= After meeting Oscar, I decided to walk back home. It drizzled, then rained heavily. By the time I got back I was soaked. And the rain stopped.


= I tried putting my phone in my pocket. Then I realised I was wearing my boxers.


= I woke up at 7am, rushed to uni at 9am for an 830am lecture, supposed to end at 10am, but ended at 915am. I took longer getting ready than the lecture itself.


= I used liquid paper to correct a word I wrote wrongly. After it dried I wrote the same wrong word.



= A friend postponed her flight back to her hometown, supposedly because of me. I finally felt important in someone's life.


= The last day of sem was all I could ask for. Finally doing well for management, getting good grades for econs and having a blast after uni.


*********************************************
Shaheen wants to know:



#Why ppl in sunway drive like crazy bitches, speeding like shit even in the tightest of spaces.



# Why the inventor of the MGW1010 exam is so spastic. If they know from experience that students can hardly finish the paper, why allocate so little time? Isn't the purpose of this exam to test our knowledge and understanding of the subject and not our speed-writing skills?



# Why some people are complete assholes. Or pussies.



# Why he just can never be neutral at some point, and towards certain issues.

# Why he always has dreams of his friends dying.



# Why the hell he is speaking as a 3rd person about himself.


*********************************************
I am on the verge of being the biggest laughing stock in the entire Monash University. Why? Cos I've been studying so friggin much, so much that Im so nerd that even a nerd would laugh at me (sorry to all "nerds"), that everyone is expecting me to ace the exams, and Ive a lil feeling that Im gonna implode during the exams and flunk. And everyones gonna luff at me for studying so hard for nothing. damn.
Tutorials finally ended. One full week to revise and competely finish everything. and i hope I can. tahan another 21 more days, and I have 3 months plus to freak out. but cant tink of that as of now. Sien.


GOALS: To complete revision for Management and Business & Economic Stats and re-revision for Accounts and Econs.

Planning: Specific Plans with strict adherence to created timelines and division of work.


ORGANISING: Divisional Structure of time and effort. Both must be coordinated to accomplish the specific tasks of assigned chapters of managements.

MOTIVATING:

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:

Physiological Needs: nice food and enough sleep

Safety Needs: Security and Protection from emotional scarring of studying too much

Social Needs: Occasional outings to relax mind

Esteem needs: Be glad in the knowledge hard work wont be futile

Self-actualisation Needs: Achieving my potential and realising all this will aid in exams

CONTROLLING: Bureaucratic control with rigid rules implemented for me to follow to not divert from the tasks that is to study and complete assigned chapters.

OMFG see how much management has already screwed me up. Last time was econs tt i kept applying to daily life and now its management. Im in need of serious help. My brain is going dead, my eyes are failing to function properly and my other senses seek to refuse cooperation. Haih. Ive blown so many ppl off cos Ive been studying like crazy and hence Ive pissed them off. Jus try to understand aite. I got exams coming up, you ppl may/may not have exams I dunno. Wadever u wanna do with yr time is up to u but i need to study, so don get pissed off/upset I cant go out. I WANT to, but i CANNOT. Understand those two terms before u launch into some verbal/emotional tirade of anger or sorrow. Other than studies I have my own shits to deal with so lay off. Uve probably seen me being tad diff these past few days and tts purely cos of exam stress so jus tahan a bit more. If u cant then i got nothin more to say. ("you" refer generally not specific).

Seems that of late I've "shifted" out of my own room and conquered the hall. Made it my own and turned it into one giant mess of all my studying shit.



Anu's econs mcq test sheet. cldn stop laughing at this. But feel damn proud of her for her Econs Ass 2. She beat all us supposed "smarties" in econs. Not to say shes not smart. She jus isnt 'experienced' as us, i supose. Congrats Minachi. :) So very globoldolic of you. Today's been a good day on the whole. Need to prepare for the very hellacious week ahead, by which all revision shdve been completed.
Din realise this so called random post wd be so long. But it was random! LOL.

Insecurities

Insecurities exist EVERYTIME and EVERYWHERE. theres just no escaping it. even the most superconfident of ppl will have some sort of insecurity within them. they just mask it and don show it. wen yr in primary school [7-12], ull wanna make frens, and face the fear of not havin frens or fitting in. In high school its worse. Teen years are perhaps the most complicated phase of one's life. Its like everything's working in tandem to make yr life one giant mess within those 4-5 yrs - wanting to fit in with a clique, insecurity of not being wanted or appreciated, facing acne and feeling insecure abt how u look or wad ppl will think of u, relationship issues, and of cos the fear of that end of year major exams. Ppl say that as u grow older and mature, u tend to lose insecurities. True, yet not exactly. You lose THESE insecurities, as in the ones in yr teenage life, but not insecurities in general. You just face new ones. Graduates are insecure abt job prospects, men are insecure abt retrenchment, wives fear extra marital affairs from their husbands and the elderly face the insecurity of death knockin on their doors. Hence, everyone is insecure in one way or other. Its part of life. Its normal. Just dont let it overwhelm u. I have my insecurities too, and yes sometimes I let em bother me till I go crazy. But now, I'm jus gonna ignore em and focus on studies. Speakin of....

Exams are in 18 days. Yes, 18. Theres so much to do Im afraid I cant cover everything in time. Furthermore weve not had the opportunity to practice writing and testing our time management, unlike MUFY. Ppl keep saying ive studied so much i dun need to worry and stuff. What they fail to realise is that i still have to 're-revise' wad ive learnt cos i cant fully rmb every single damn thing from now till the exam period. I have to refresh my memory. So its not like revise then chuck one side till finals. Dunno why we're still having hw, specially management. Sian.

Think I've seriously been studying too much. I can feel my body jus breaking down. Too much lack of sleep. Went Pyramid and WATCHED A MOVIE after dunno how bloody long. Im sucha nerd I dun even know thr were changes to Pyramid. Lol. Felt so good to finally get my mind off studies. Seriously need a friggin rest. Hence for once Im not gonna study on a Friday night. jus gonna rest my body and mind and resume tmr. I foresee if i continue this intense studying lifestyle im gonna break down eventually, like yesterday. Slept at 5 studying accts and woke up at 830. can die like nobodys biz. Shd start takin care of my body. Hence Im gonna sleep early today, and sleep long. So that I can wake up early tmr to study. lol. I seriously have no life.

Watch this vid. It's damn touching. Its about a love between a lion and 2 men.

[Current mood: really really tired]
[Current songs:
Broken hearted girl - beyonce
3 - britney spears
Meet me halfway - black eyed peas
Rule of the world - evermore
Sexy Bitch - david guetta feat akon]

My Life is Globoldolic

dun even ask wad globoldolic is. because 1) its an inside thing. 2) i myself dun even know the meaning.

had a very very weird dream last few days. involved one very very very close fren of mine. every aspect of the dream was super weird. and he nearly died. why do i alwaes dream abt my frens dying? seriously... aint a gd thing.

= Was at office. Saw a fren. he saw me. he turned away jus as i waved at him. i pretended to stretch my fingers so i din look stupid.

= phil pointed out a potential mistake in our management assignment. i cleared it up with another fren and realised i was right. i double checked with the tutor and realised i was wrong. i had to change my assignment, which was due the next day. i had "finished" it a week ago.

=a fren chatted with me on msn. it was our first time. he asked how i was. i said fine. i asked him the same thing. he said ok. our convo ended.

= i was uploading photos on my blog. the picture was taking abnormally long. then i realised i hadnt pressed the 'upload' button.

= the bus i was in got involved in an accident. i smsed my mom. she called me askin if i was ok. i said kinda. she then asked me wad food i wanted for dinner.

= my younger bro had a personal prob. i spoke to him about it, and later saw him change his msn pm to "...thank god for brothers really". i felt like an older brother for once.

= the net in both homes (sunway and jb) was alwaes screwed up whenever i used it. then i realised it wasnt the wi-fi, but my laptop.

= ive been on a study 'roll' for the past month or so. exams are just ard the corner. ive lost all my momentum and passion to study.

= i realisd that wenever im not in sunway, theres alwaes some sort of party happening. i then tol anu im over that kind of life. she pointed out i never had that kind of life in the first place.

Shaheen has to learn:
- not to be so emo
- not to shriek/speak in a high pitched voice within hearing distance of others
- not to wear berms and sandals in freezing buses
- not to put his ipod on his lap in a speeding bus
- not to study when his laptop is around him
- to accept the consequences of his actions, whether his actions are nice or not.
- to be more assertive
- to try and refocus on studies and not about the social scene

[current mood: hollow, empty]
[current songs:
All the right moves - onerepublic
Sexy bitch - david guetta feat akon
How to save a life - the fray
Te amo - rihanna
Listen to your heart - DHT
I believe in you - il divo & celine dion
Meet me halfway - black eyed peas]

*A Very Long Post*

Im puzzled by the term break/holiday wadsoever. its meant for us to relax and rest after all our intense exertions in uni. but apparently educators have other ideas, and decide to pile misery on us during hols by dumping not one but two frackin assgmts. how to enjoy hols like that? haih.. use yr logic yeah..go home and tink abt it (noraini, 2009).

Although break week was inundated with assignments, there was still traces of "holidayness". I got a lot of visits from ppl and kinda went out couple times too.

Nicholas Ivan. Crashed my room so many times. At least he was nice enuf to provide some sort of entertainment. Notice his sexy body. LOL.

Beh Jun Biao. Since I had invaded his "small territory" so many times b4, i guess its only fair for him to invade mine this time. Ever since he invaded my room he made one whole giant mess. lol. but what to do. assignments made everyone go crazy. especially management. notice his sexy legs. LOL.

See? do so much of research until he cant tahan. too tired he jus slept on the floor. quite pitiful lah but bed too messy so no choice.

Mich DJ. came couple times to do accts. kinda fun to have her ard. notice her sexy er, nose? LOL.

Evidence of mess made by JB. ok no lah this was mine. Management can seriously kill all of us like nobody's business. everyday do mgmt from 1/2pm to 4-5 am. no joke weii.

2 ppl struggling with management and this is the ensuing mess.

This was like 4 or 5 am, and this fella is still working hard to finish his assgmt while I was already going to sleep. notice the Qantas logo? LOL.
again...all the mess. bloody few days tt made our lives a living hell...

Well, thkfully, management assgmt is done but not completely dusted. Spent abt 5 days finishing it. Managed to do it b4 my proposed duration of one week. but kinda underestimated how time consuming it wd be on a day to day basis, hence my studies for other subs took a hit. guess gotta study all that backlogged work this week.

Got drunk on monday night. drank too much. apparently i did and said alot of things i shdnt have said. Woke up late on tues. missed accts lecture. of all the lectures to miss i missed a very impt one. damn smart.

So in the end both me and JB went to uni on tues for nothing since we kinda missed all the lectures. so decided to come back suri to complete mgmt and biz stats note takin. went medan to eat and end up watching Titanic. wth. *the scene whr Rose jumps of the lil boat back to the ship cos she cant bare to leave Jack*. Me - so touchin man. her love for him. Nick- sth similar to mine. JB- so stupid ah? LOL.

some random photo of poor JB's leg. kena whacked so hard by Nick for no reason. can actually see four finger marks. LOL.

finally, the last assgmt for the semester is done. but this doesnt mean we can rest. duh. exams are like 27 more days, and i still got so much to study. hopefully my mgmt assgmt is correct. put so much of effort in it. quite proud of JB's assgmt too. really hope we both do well.

stupid management assgmt made me lose my studying momentum, and now its hard for me to regain it. wad a time, with exams comin up. sian.

[Current Mood: pleased, tired.]

[Current Songs:

All the right moves - onerepublic

Crank it up - ashley tisdale

face drop - sean kingston

Hot mess - cobra starship

When love takes over - david guetta

3 - britney spears]

You & I in a diVERSE CITY.

*6.19pm. Doing Accounts. Felt room shaking. Sat on the bed. Bed was spinning. Thot was my head from studying/onlining too much. Called Nick. He felt it too. Apparently there was a 7.9 earthquake in Sumatra. Woah. My first tremors lol. Pretty cool experience.

Anyway, after a lil bit of "different" posts of late, I've decided to revert to the more traditional route of 'updating' my ongoings. Could get pretty wordy and long...

Week 10 of uni. its break week, thk God. I'm gonna try and surmise my entire 10 weeks in this post. (gasp!). First few weeks were the 'adjustment' period- tryin to adjust from mufy to uni. it was pretty hard. Lectures and tutorials were rather alien. Din know we had to read the unit guides ourselves and do the tutorials corresponding to the weeks, until JB tol me abt it. Tutors and lecturers din say anything. Apparently due to the concept of 'Independent Learning' where we do everything ourselves, including assignments. So from weeks 1-4, I was a blur zombie unawares of what the hell was going on and playing catch up. Tutorials were done by just highlighting the damn book and attempting the questions. After that all info went out my head. Heck this can't be the way to study in uni...

The decisive moment came somewhere in week 5 or 6 where we had simultaneous assignments due, econs and accounts. That prompted me to start on them quickly, and in order to do so, I had to actually STUDY the relevant chapters instead of just completing tutorials for the sake of. So there came my plan on how to actually study...

In MUFY, I kinda made notes for everything (sans English), which was like a detailed summary of our books, and basically studied from there. Initially I thot why not do the same with Uni? After all this method served me well in MUFY. But after seeing the books, Im like hell no. Well, I realised there are lecture notes for every subject. So I decided ok, use that to study instead. JB printed the first lecture notes for me (accts). So after the first lecture, went back to study it. The lecture notes are meant to be concise, but perhaps tad too concise, cos it wasnt that detailed, and I had to refer back to the text. That got me thinking, Why read the notes if its kinda incomplete? If i've to read the textbook, then its as good as studying twice. And I dun have the time or energy to study every chapter of every unit twice. Which was then I decided to go all out and resurrect my MUFY style of studying. So now, after every lecture (without lecture notes), I just listen to what the lecturer says, go back and read that chapter, and make my own notes on it. Then I do the tutorial. Its a longer process, but at least theres information retention. So this is how I've been studying for the past 4-5 weeks. Call me crazy/nerdy, but studying's kinda been the only activity I've been doing of late. It's like an addiction. I've not gone out for bloody long, and my social life has been very stagnant. A senior once told me in uni, u'll face a trade-off between yr social life and yr studies. If you wanna excel, you gotta cut down alot on yr social life. You wanna keep your social life, your studies will suffer. From wat I've experienced so far, her words seem to hold some truth to it. Alot actually.

Well, as mentioned earlier, break is here. Finally. After a very stressful week [studies, assignments and fights]. It's retarded, but the happiest I am about this break is that I finally have the time to catch up and revise all chapters I din really understand earlier. Only prob is the 2 assignments that I gotta do as well. And this is where I became most freaky. I actually made a daily plan of all the work I would for the break period. Kinda helps me keep track and maintain my focus so I don't stray off.

Accounts

Chapters 2 , 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 10, tutorial 10

Assignment 2

Econs

Chapters 10, 11, 14, 21

Business Econs Stats

Topic 1

Management

Assignment 2:

Print and read 7 articles

Title Page

Table of Contents

Executive Summary

Introduction

Report

Conclusion & Recommendation

References

Appendix

So this is what I plan to accomplish during break. I know, Im sucha nerd. So far progress looks ok. Just that certain unforeseen circumstances might cause my daily plans to go off track. Like today. FINALLY WENT OUT. after a month i tink. relived old times with anu and lala. hit pyramid. it was fun, just like old times. One year on, Im still old, lala is still blur (AND CLUMSY) and anu is fat well, anu. There shd be more of today.

I guess this 'lifestyle' could suit me- making studies my main priority and spending most of my time just concentrating on studies. Yeah we shd have a balance right, study and play. But there just seems to be so much drama on a daily basis. How to play? So instead of worrying about all that, might as well just spend the time and energy studying. I dun care if I'm labelled a nerd or wadever, as long as it helps me get good grades for uni. Dang Ive never studied so bloody much in my life for consecutive weeks. So proud of myself. Lol so perasan.

Study at my table...

Study on my bed


And even on my floor. Thats how much of a nerd I've turned into.




See how much studies ruin our health? Poor anu study so much till she had to sleep in the library.

Would be good to take a break too though. Sigh. Just one thing annoying me is food. In uni its just cafeteria food, which is overpriced and underquality. And now durin hols, its the same prob each day. What to eat. Mamak, Pyramid, fast food. Sigh. It's expensive and Im gettin sick of it. I need to go back home. Bloody assignments. Lets see what next week has in store for us all.

(if u managed to make it through this post up to this point, and ur brain dead, dun say I din warn u)

F*ck, My Life Is Average

. I added a girl I liked on Facebook. So did my friend. She accepted his request. She rejected mine.

. Anu and I saw a poster of this malay guy in uni. I said "he looks just like a typical malay Singaporean". Anu replied "Most malays in Singapore look like that?" I said "no".

. I decided not to go back during the break cos I have 2 assignments due the week after and I "may have to go to the library to print stuff I need for my assignments". Found out library will be closed during break.

. Anu asked me to talk to Aaron on the phone. She passed it to me. I said "hello?". The phone was still ringing.

. I've been doing my Econs tutorials every week without fail. The only one time I did not (due to bloody management), I got picked to answer a question, which I obviously couldnt answer.

. I brought all my textbooks on Friday for tutorials. After reaching the first class I realised I left them in Anu's car.

. I left my ipod on the toilet shelf and nearly knocked it down. I shrieked in a high pitched voice. It's ok cos no one heard.

. I was doing management homework with Anu in Shimi's place. He tripped my laptop wire and it unplugged. It's ok cos I was using battery.

. Anu had 4 notifications on Facebook for the day. I had 51. I felt popular.

. After 2 successive weeks of sleeping 3-4 hours a day, I was in desperate need of sleep. Went back and decided to sleep immediately. Friends decided to call me at that precise moment.

. I have the room to myself for a week, for once. I thought of all the privacy I could get, then realised I was happiest at the thought of being able to study peacefully.

. This girl in our biz stats class walked past me, anu and ann. She smiled at who I presumed to be was anu, so I din do anything. Anu din do anything cos she claimed she din know the girl. The girl must either feel very embarrassed, or tink that Anu and I are stuck up bitches.

. I realised I'm in need of more female friends on facebook, but more male friends in real life.

. I had just made up with a friend after a big fight. We were having lunch and the mood was still pretty awkward. I suddenly thought of an inside joke and tried to stifle my laughter. I ended up making weird noises through my nose.

. Went to the bookshop to buy chocs. There was a long queue of ppl wanting to bind their assignments, so all the staff were busy and there was no one at the counter. I felt stupid waiting, so I pretended to text.

[current mood = satisfied]
[current song(s)
= it's alright, it's ok (ashley tisdale)
= sex on fire (kings of leon)
= use somebody (kings of leon)
= happy (leona lewis)
= evacuate the dancefloor (cascada)
= run this town (jay-z)]

分裂 / 离开

Dear God,
It does seem that all good things do come to an end after all. Right now, I hate this part; I hate the sound of silence, it makes my mind go into disturbia. Hell no I'm not having the time of my life. I gotta feeling that uni is like a battlefield or circus, a boulevard of broken dreams, but never a funhouse - it's like an invitation that screams 'Welcome to the Black Parade'. We don't know who has a poker face, and who's the hero/heroine. All these rumours that are rollin' from supposed 'paparazzi' have to stop; don't turn this into a public affair ok. If I had 21 guns I'll shoot you busybodies senseless, but they'll say you have to know your enemy first. But we are human after all, not superhuman, and no one wears a halo; none of us are an angel. I planned to breakaway, say goodbye, and go M.I.A., escape to somewhere I belong. Who knew that what goes around comes around, that in the end, karma would bite me so hard? I'm hatin' on the club, and I so wanna get out of this club, but it seems like I'm just dead and gone. I wanna evacuate the dancefloor and just dance, tell myself it's alright, it's ok, but I know it's not. I'm going under, and someone, who knows how to save a life, needs to bring me to life. I always apologize, and I said never again, but oops... I did it again. Why am I so complicated? Maybe it's just the way I are. Perhaps I should ring the alarm and just listen, since this is a friggin wake up call for me. What about now? Now that he's already gone, it's easy to say that my life would suck without you, you being a stranger. I won't go deeper, or people will tell me "ur so gay". Our friendship has been damaged; we are broken strings. Can it be repaired one step at a time? Or is it too little too late? Keeps getting better and better in time? I hate this new divide, but really, it's no surprise. I shouldn't bottle it up; I should have come clean with the reason instead of my wordplay. My hot n cold attitude always gives you hell amidst claims that you use somebody. He is so sick of it, saying "eh eh there's nothing else I can say", telling himself don't trust me and don't waste your time. Just so you know, I'm tired of being sorry, but, sorry, blame it on me. This is the purest of pain, that everything gets harder everyday and it cuts like a knife. Then it's about a girl, miss independent, the supposed good girl gone bad who's daddy's little girl. People wonder about that girl; she's beautiful, but they can't decode her because these words are unwritten. She's just screaming "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman, I just wanna live", but nobody understands. Big girls don't cry, and cry she doesn't, but she has to choose between labels or love. She's not like most girls; she'll say "leave me alone" although her heart says "i'm lonely". Others, like lala, nick and anu, who know my dirty little secret(s), ask me to shake it off or keep holding on, cause they don't want me to fall to pieces. But for how long? Until the end of time? Am I just chasing cars or chasing pavements? If there's an answer, give it to me. Thanks God.

*name all the singers of the songs and I shall treat you to an above-average meal. LOL.

Fuck (Insert Name Here)'s Life

=I finished an assignment that usually takes a few days in 5-7 hours. I felt proud of myself. Then I realised I did it wrongly. FML.

=After finally completing the assignment, i brought my pendrive to uni to print. I didn't save the correct file. FML

=Person S spent the whole night driving around and when he came home he found his dad smartly dressed in front of his computer. He didn't realise it was his dad's birthday. His dad had waited to have dinner with him. FS'sDad'sL.

=Person J was making weird "1,2" signals to Person A. Person A responded with the same signals, without getting it. This went on for a while, until Person A realised Person J was talking to someone behind her. FA'sL

=Person N had wanted to pay the electricity bill for some time, just that the money hadn't been collected. After finally getting the money, he went to Pyramid to pay. He then realised he forgot to bring the bill. FN'sL

=My younger bro warned me to have some sort of entertainment during the Hari Raya trip to Spore, citing the jam. I told him I've my ipod, which I listen to all the time. Upon returning home I realised my battery was low, and I forgot to bring the cable back home. FML.

=Person T went to Econs class in the hopes of seeing a cute boy. She sat herself where he usually sat, with an empty seat beside her. Not only did someone else sit beside her, but the cute boy did not show up. FT'sL.

=Person N blogged about Person T about her 'change'. Person T read about it, got upset and cleared things up with Person N. I blogged about Person B, stating issues I had. He read it, became pissed and subsequently ended our friendship. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFML

The End of a Friendship, the Beginning of Love

In the midst of this emotional turmoil at having to deal with one of the most hurtful and painful phases that had unexpectedly [or maybe expectedly?] occured [which I'm so hoping can be cleared though the pessimist in me say that this time it's over for good], I came across a very insightful note that ought to turn u guys a lil more introspective and think for a bit. It's very wordy, and it can give u a headache at first glance, but if u bother, u will find it to be very meaningful.

"Funny how life works out, we're preached about destiny,fate, religion, morals etc. But really life doesnt just work out does it? Maybe life really is what we make of it, what you lose.. what you gain.. it's all due to a choice you made either now or a long time ago. We like to claim how people change over the years, but do they really? We might change how we look on the outside but arent we still the same on the inside? Does it mean that cause we're all different from each other that we have to use it as a reason to not like each other? Maybe its just the environment we live in, maybe its just human mentality, maybe its just that we overthink whats right and whats wrong too much. It's a lovely sunday morning, as i look out the window i see the lil kids swimming in the pool, the old aunty and uncle having a walk around the condo.. The mother and father pushing their kid on the swing. Look out the window, but clear your mind before you do that. Just have a look around.. Maybe youll see that life isnt as bad as you think it is. Maybe youll figure that maybe one day when you grow up youll have the answer to all your questions. Maybe, youve just been looking in the wrong places for those answers. Maybe one day you;ll appreciate what you have. Maybe, just maybe..only.. maybe.. Will you realise that, what really matters is never ever giving up. We meet lots of people along the way, some of whom we never see again and some who we never ever dare to imagine never seeing again. All of us have people who mean tons to us, we gotta hold them close, cuz when all else comes crashin down we know, that they'll still be there for us, helping us get through it as best as they can. I never really thanked my lucky star for the amazing friends that i have without whom id be so lost. Have you ever really sat down and thought where youd be without them? haha all those times at kfc/macs.. all the times theyve come over and youve went over to their crib, the times when you did the arab money dance haha, carrying your drunk friend everywhere to find him a place to crash, chilling at fort canning looking up at the sky, all the times u decided to be a typical mat and slack under a void deck hahha, those times when u look over to your friend trying to blow smoke rings with sheesha haha and thinking hes super cool cause hes the " ringmastaaaa", ALL THOSE TIMES YOU CAMWHORED EVERYWHERE AND ANYWHERE!!!!! (\m/) but most importantly all those times when you were just together, smiling and laughing. If you love someone stay true to it if you really believe in what you have, cause love isnt just about being with that person, its not about how much you see each other, the number of gifs you buy them, its not abt wht goes on behind cloosed doors, i believe its about having someone that you know, you can be totally helpless with. Love's about the small little things like when you look in that persons eyes n see your reflection, its that feeling you get when when that persons in your arms, love is about.. just wanting the be the best you can be for the other person and love is also about sacrifice. I think i finally know what that sacrifice means, its about not holding the other person back from the best he/she can be. Its about letting go when you have to and holding them tight when you need to.. because no matter how far that person may be from you, theyre still thinking about you, holding their pillow.. wishing that you were there too. W're never alone, theres always someone out there thinking of you. Cherish every moment youve had or have with that person and hold it close to your heart , because no matter what love has a way of finding its way back to you just as long as you have faith in each other."

Certain things may not apply to you[like the camwhoring/arab money dance etc], but the essence of this post shd still get u ppl thinking.
Written by Immy YoursTruly Sexcy [some dude]. Used without permission.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Things were hectic. Became calm. And its about to get hectic again. And I'm not just talkin abt studies. Get to that later. I just realised I'm perhaps the single biggest idiot in the whole of Monash, if not the world. Time and time again I keep making the same mistakes. What's a confused young adult to do in a situation where he loses on both fronts? I dun mind helping people. Just don use me. I hate it. I've been guilty of it myself. I've stopped. You ppl shd too. Its sickening beyond description. The number of ppl Ive never spoken to in my life suddenly smsing/calling/msning demanding for my econs/accts assignments. WTF. Like I said I dont mind helping. At least help yourself first.

Realisation sunk in yesterday while studying management. Something that had caused a lot of discomfort in my mind for months finally hit me last night. The difference between real and fake. Well my lil ignorant-emo stint only served to cause hurt and unnecessary anguish. But I doubt it'll ever end. Not cos of me this time. It's tiring to be used. Actions speak louder than words. Words can lie. Actions rarely. I'm not gonna be blasting off at ppl anymore. Its lame and just childish, I realised. But I've kinda lost myself already. And it's hard to find myself back. Only certain ppl can see how I was before. Lame, Hyper, Retarded.That so called "emotional connection". Not cause they earned it, or that they deserve to. Hell, I aint some mighty Lord. Its just cause it is. I've tried too hard. Mentioned it once. Convinced myself it was real. That you were real. But I guess it was pretty much a lie. Damn why am I so emo???????

Nick once said "You cant keep depending on frens. Soon theyll start having their own lives and theyre gonna leave, and then youll be all alone."
True that. I try to bliv that certain frens will last, that they can somehow end up as lifelong frens, but i know it wont happen, and I dun bliv Ill ever get married. Im destined to live a sad lonely life lol. Maybe the path is already set. Kinda feelin it now already.

Anu said "Whats the point of scoring so high in MUFY? Its the score in uni that counts, right?"
True that as well. I may have scored so darn high in MUFY but in uni im being owned like nobody's business. Failed first biz stats "test" and barely passed econs assignment 1.

But I guess this is one area the onus is on me to change the current situation. I cant change how people behave, or how they treat you, but I can change how I'm faring in my studies. Ive no idea if its seeing Ian's constant Facebook stats abt him being a supposed workaholic or what but of late I've just felt the mood to study. The energy and drive. Maybe it was the accts and econs assignments that spurred me to finally start studying (not just finishing hw). Last weekend was perhaps my most productive one. Actually studied everything, including that horrible Biz Stats (which is pretty ok actually). Well I can feel this drive wont fade anytime soon, and I guess its better to prioritise my studies and focus on it instead of always worrying about friends who may not even be real frens or frens who are yr frens only becos they wanna use you for something.

Well life's unfair. Life's A bitch. Theres nothing we can do about it.

This is dedicated to you and you only

Never done this. Will never do it again. Cos its lame. and gay. but its imperative i do this. feels like a must. This is for you (though u may never even read this in the first place. lol) Here goes...

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I'm sorry. I've said it once on msn. I've said it to you in person.
And yet it doesnt feel like its enough.
You deserve every bit of an explanation from me.
And yet I can't provide you with one.
Reason being the explanation is illogical.
My treatment was completely uncalled for.
It was tremendously unfair to you.
You didn't see it coming. You had to deal with it.
And I gave you hell for no reason at all.
When all you've done is be the closest friend I could ask for.
This vicious cycle continues all the time.
And you're always in the line of fire.
I desperately need to halt it.
But I let it control me.
I know you are sick of it.
And I'm sick of myself for it.
It's been happening too many times.
In all the 14 months I've known you.
Maybe you're right. Something's wrong with me.
Whatever the case, you still shouldn't have to bear with it.
It's unfair. Uncalled for. Rude.
You have other stuff to deal with.
And my attitude is the last thing you need.
And despite all this you're still there.
For now.
Keep this up and I may lose you.
And I don't want that to happen.
I hate myself.
But I love you.
You're like my brother.
You're like my family.
You know who you are.
I just wish I know myself.
Sorry again for all the shit I've caused.
May this time really be the last.
Cos I don't want a repeat.
You don't deserve that.
We've been through shit.
And still managed to stick it out.
Just hope it's not too late

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I'm Sorry II

"The happiest people on the outside are sometimes the saddest on the inside"

Heard that once before. Not sure if its true. Doesn't matter. For me its not true. Cos i know im never happy on the inside. and hell no im never happy on the outside. Just on certain days u may be lucky and catch a glimpse of me smiling, laughing, crapping. But, I gotta feeling (not that tonight's gonna be a good good night) that this will all end. Stated previously, Im tad bipolar. Seriously though, all those "happy" moments are prolly used as a tool to mask my real self. A meer veneer.

Past few days has been a real pain. And it coincided with me conciously disconnecting myself from the world. From people. From friends. But I guess this makes it easier. For them. For me. And lame as it is to 'blog' abt it, its better than having to explain over n over to those who ask. Friends no longer have to deal with the emotional "stunts" I pull, and I dont have to care or concern myself too much with them. Cos all that culminates from this is pain. From being used. Being lied to. Lying to. And the list is endless. This way is easier. Im no longer human. Just an empty shell wandering the corridors of Uni, attending lectures, stoning etc. There is no more connection. I'm in a bubble.

When I look at you, when I speak with you, I will be emotionless. And unfortunately, it will seem like I do not care. Like I have attitude. You're right. And wrong as well. I dont care, only because I care too much. And I cant keep doing this. Hence the retreat into my oasis of solitude and emo-ness. Everything ends now. And everything begins now as well. Don't ask, for the answers have already been given. Can't keep dealing with this over n over. Yes, I'm weak. Deal with it. Oh wait, u no longer have to.

I'm Sorry

Holy month of fasting has dawned upon us all. And fasting I am. Yes, I am, despite all u ppl thinkin i aint. And in this holy month Yours Truly has decided to be tad more introspective (more than he already is)

Skipped Business Econs Stats class (or half of it rather). First time skipping a class. Cant understand shit about it. Attend lectures. Read the notes. And I still cant get it. Its damn frustrating. I really feel like tearing the damn book and burning it. And I just wanna drop this stupid subject. Spoke to the tutor, and he insinuated that Anu and I are stupid idiots who dun study and just club all day. Bloody hell. Tryna put in so much effort for something u really wanna learn and do, and u cant do it by yrself, and no one can help u. Sian. What's left to do? Just continue skipping and fail the damn thing? Its better than wasting 2 hrs every Thursday staring at the com or projection screen stupidly not knowing what the hell is going on.

I'm bipolar.
One minute im happy/high/lame/retarded/joking/smiling/laughing.
The next I'm emo/moody/pissy/angry/cold/full of attitude/nonchalant.

Sometimes with reason. Sometimes without.

I know its tiring to be around me. Having to deal with these so called "mood swings".
It's irritating. I get it. But I can't help it. I'm sorry.

Random Updates

This post is designed to keep u loyal readers updated about the life of Yours Truly. =.=

Cant get these songs outta my head:

Obsessed-Mariah Carey
Hotel Room Service-Pitbull
She Wolf-Shakira
Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson
小男人大男孩-Jam Hsiao (dont ask)
Goodbye-Kristinia DeBarge
Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls
Good Girls Go Bad-Cobra Starship Feat. Leighton Meester

Finally Back Home. After forever. Fasting month begins. Great. Weighed myself (really bimbo moment). 55kg. (cant be serious right? all that MacD, pizza, Jafaar suppers...). Damn pleased. Then sis tells me weighing machine is spoiled. pukimak.

Phil has dengue. wtf. told him to see doc like forever ago. stubborn as hell. just hope hes alrite.

Lala has alot of personal probs at d moment. Feel so bad for her. Feel bad for feeling helpless.

One stressful week of doing Management Assignment over. Now for Econs, Accounts and Business Stats Assignment. Can Seriously die man.

One MAJOR plan to accomplish in the next few days. Really hope I can pull it off.

Plan to cut this problematic hair tmr. Hope theres no mistakes whatsoever. *gulp*

Been feeling tad "confused" about a particular friend. Hard to explain.

Cant stop thinking of someone. A bit too much.

I guess thats about all I can remember.

[Im so fuckin in love with you. How do you stop yourself from loving someone you can never have?]

YOU AND I

Slopes, Graphs, Curves and Price
When Demand falls it increases the lies
Katz, dogs, Roles and Skills
Debit, Credit, Accounts and Bills
You learn that X and Y are variables
But then your X is no longer available
You strive to fight away your fears
Only for it to end in tears
We're from two different worlds but act as one
When Uni ends our friendship's done
You turn your back and face the world
Realized you've been a misunderstood girl
Suffer in tunnels and await that light
Find no reward for all you've tried
Put others first before thyself
You're just an item on the shelf
You heed their calls and fulfill their needs
And yet they bite the hand that feeds
You try too hard to please them all
But in the end you're the one to fall
Learn that trust is hard to come by
Don't ask who, don't ask why
We seem close, the best of friends
Yet we know all this will end
They say you changed; your acts and words
Yet all you feel is just deep hurt
You keep going one day a time
Feel hollow for no reason or rhyme
We talk, we laugh, we joke, we share
Display concern because we care
And yet despite the ties that bind
And open eyes but we're still blind
Cant figure if it's fiction or fact
If what you're showing is all an act
Lame, High, Drunk or Emo
You seek the truth you want to know
We think that we are all aware
Of our friends' feelings and thoughts
But ask yourself if you really do
Or what you know is all in naught
After all the darkness that you've been through
Hoping someone will come and save you
From Tutorials and Lectures, Liars and Bitches
Two-faced Assholes and shameless Leeches
Who comes to you only when they need you
You feel confused about what to do
And Yours Truly may seem like he doesn't care
But yet he feels he's always there
Tries his best but is only used
Nothing to win and everything to lose
But once the dust settles and night arrives
You start to realize these are part of our lives